


Sweet Nonsense

by higayimdad



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Blood, Freeform, Friends With Benefits, Han Jisung | Han & Lee Felix are Best Friends, Homophobic Language, How Do I Tag, Internalized Homophobia, Lee Minho is bad at feelings, Light Angst, M/M, Mentions of alcohol, No Smut, Secret Identity, Strangers to Lovers, Suggestive Themes, Swearing, Violence, pls drink responsibly, rated for language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-01
Updated: 2019-12-01
Packaged: 2021-01-29 16:43:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 23,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21413368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/higayimdad/pseuds/higayimdad
Summary: "He threw up, both because he was hungover and because he was sick.SickSick because he enjoyed the previous night, the comfort of falling asleep with the other in his embrace, the warmth of the others skin against his own. How their lips fit together, like they were made for each other. But Minho wasn’t supposed to feel this way. Because he was a boy, and boys who like boys are sick."SickOrJisung accidently throws a snowball in Minho's face and they form an unsaid hatred for each other, despite ever talking. When the two boys attend the same halloween party both use intoxication as an excuse to act in the heat of the moment and be who they are for just one night. Except it's not just for one night.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Comments: 50
Kudos: 345
Collections: Life hates Minsung





	1. Start - End

**Author's Note:**

> Not beta read! Edits may occur in the future, please point out obvious mistakes if you see any!
> 
> (Reminder this work has mentions of homophobic slurs, internalized homophobia, mentions of blood and a few depictions of violence. If you are sensetive to any of these topics please proceed with caution.)
> 
> EDITED 2020-02-24

The snow was falling from grey clouds, creating a delicate white blanket on whatever was outside. Jisung was never fond of winter but he couldn’t help but feel excited when he woke up and watched as snow made its comeback for the year. He felt in the air on his way to school how it got warmer, and the snow would be gone before the day was over. He remember sitting in the cafeteria, while Seungmin and Felix were in a heated argument about whatever, he couldn’t help but eavesdrop on the conversation the girls sitting by the table next to them had. “_Did you hear? That upperclassman, Lee Minho? Yeah, I heard from a boy in my class he picked a fight with a last year. Yeah, came to school with bruises and everything yesterday. Didn’t you see? Totally looked like he lost the fight. Kinda cute though.” _

As if it was on cue, the boy had entered the cafeteria behind two of friends. Jisung recognized all of them but wasn’t sure of their names. They weren’t popular, they were just there. One of them took the lead of the group, he was tall and broad with hair bleached an awful yellow color. He wore clothes engulfing his figure but walked with an admiring amount of confidence. Next to him there was a boy, much taller compared to him, even a bit lanky. He looked out place, Jisung would even go as far as to say he looked more at home on a runway than in the school cafeteria. Behind him a boy significantly shorter than the two with black straight hair resting on his forehead walked. Jisung almost knew his name, it was on the tip of his tongue but he couldn’t put it in place. 

But then there was Lee Minho. Jisung knew who he was, most people had heard the name before in all different contexts. “_Have you seen him dance?” “He was the only one in his class to get a 100” “He picked a fight with a last year.” _Like the girls had talked about, Minho had a gash on his cheekbone and his lip was split in the middle. The exposed skin on his arms were painted with bruises and he made no effort to hide them at all. As they sat down in a corner and the girls next to Jisung fell silent, maybe afraid Minho would have heard them gossip people around them fell into a shush. Felix who sat next to Jisung followed his gaze down to Minho and looked just as fascinated in the boy. Seungmin leaned in and whispered just for the two other boys to hear. “Maybe you think Minho lost, but you should see the other guy. There is a reason he isn’t in school but Minho is.” Jisung had wondered the rest of the day whether Minho liked being that guy, the guy people left alone, and spoke to as little as possible, terrified to be the person Minho was going for next. 

Jisung had thought it was a great idea to start a friendly snowball fight after school with whatever snow hadn’t melted away during the day. _ “Why not?” _He thought, _ “we have to wait for Jeongin no matter what”_. Might have some fun while we wait, a couple of balls went flying in the air before the three boys had stopped, hands turning numb from the cold. When they saw Jeongin coming in the distance Jisung started gathering snow in his hands, forming it into a round and smooth ball. “Watch this.” He took everything he had and aimed for the boy walking towards them, and he almost hit him. 

Almost

The ball passed the youngest head with a few centimeters and continued to fly past him, behind Jeongin four boys just turned a corner and walked in their own world. The ball hit one of them straight in the face with such force it made him lose balance for a second. “_Headshot” _Jisung would have shouted if it was literally anyone than the boy he hit. Of all students he could have hit, it was no other than Minho, who brushed the snow off his face. His lip had reopened and blood was trickling down his chin. His friends were snickering lightly but the air was tense with anticipation for what was going to happen. Seungmin and Jeongin stood in their place shooting glances at each other. Felix nudged at Jisung’s side to do something, anything. But he was frozen in fear, everyone knew what Minho was capable of and Jisung didn’t doubt for a minute he was going to be next “What the fuck?” Minho shouted from the opposite side of the yard. Jisung tried to calculate how far away he was and how fast he would be over here beating the shit out of him; “_30 meters; maybe 10 seconds if he’s walking fast. How long will it take me to die? 2 minutes maybe. I hope it will be fast.” _Minho had started walking towards him fast-paced, with the black-haired boy on his tail telling him to stop and calm down. Jisung appreciated the effort for the other to stop his murder. 

“Fuck” Jisung said when Minho was clearly within earshot. And Jisung started booking it, screaming a weak sorry behind him, leaving his friends with an obviously enraged Minho, but he couldn’t feel sorry, his heart was beating so fast and he was too afraid. 

Except for the occasional glaces Minho shot at him in the corridor whenever they crossed paths, nothing ever happened. Minho didn’t beat the living shit out of Jisung and Jisung never gathered the courage to properly apologize to him. They just secretly formed some sort of loathing towards each other. Felix had said Minho didn’t even bother to run after Jisung that day; in fact he hadn’t said a word to anyone. He just spat on the ground and turned back to his own friends, who seemed relieved nothing more happened. The sheer thought made Jisung shudder a bit, but he was okay with the other boy hating him as long as he never did something to show exactly how much. 

“Do we have to sit there?” 

“It’s been like a fucking year Jisung, it’s the only good table that's free.” Seungmin had muttered, irritated at the boy when they sat down, despite Jisung whining the entire way towards the table. 

By the table next to them Minho sat with his friends. Jisung knew the names of the others now. Hyunjin lived close to Jisung himself, both took the same route to school and home; Jisung was surprised he never noticed before. The others were Chan and Changbin, they made music together; Jisung had heard Changbin rap once, he was good. But that was it, he didn’t really dare knowing more. The fear Jisung felt towards Minho had turned more into hatred. When everyone came back to school after the summer break and Minho still looked at him with disgust Jisung got irritated. “_Why does he still hate me? He is so fucking annoying can he let it go or what?” “Can you let it go?” _

The tension between the two tables was thick, Chan glanced at his friends back and forth, it was obvious he had tried to ignore the situation altogether and continue with their own conversations. Felix had tried to do the same within their own group, speaking to Jeongin about gaming or whatever. Jisung stopped listening midway and put all of his attention towards the rice on his plate. “Jisung-hyung?” His ears twitched and he looked at Jeongin who sat opposite him. “Since when do you use honorifics? What’s the occasion?” He was sarcastic.

“I wondered if you wanted to come by this afternoon?” Felix asked before Jeongin could answer Jisung's question. “Seungmin and Jeongin is coming, we were thinking about playing Nintendo or something and finish homework.”

“Yeah sure whate-”

The table's attention was suddenly turned towards the one next to them. Minho was standing with a wet spot forming on the blue fabric of his jeans just above his thigh, a water bottle was on its side with a small puddle around on the table. “What the fuck Changbin?” He shouted just a bit too loud before sitting down again. “Jesus Christ calm down, it’s water.” Changbin shot back at him. Mumbling engulfed within the table and while Jisung's friends turned their attention back on their own conversation, Jisung kept his eyes laid on Minho. He must’ve sensed the eyes on him, because he glanced around the room and locked his eyes with Jisung, he squinted his eyes just ever so slightly and curled the corners of his mouth downwards, it looked like he was on his way to speak so Jisung looked away, a bit afraid of the words being directed towards him. 

Jeongin left the table first, he said he had to talk to a classmate before class started again, Felix disappeared shortly after, talking about finding his dance teacher. As much as Jisung tried to ignore it he couldn’t help but notice when Chan stood up and the rest of the group followed after him out of the cafeteria. Jisung dropped his shoulders and sighed in relief when they were nowhere to be seen. Seungmin and Jisung looked at each other and without speaking, Seungmin asked if Jisung was okay; he nodded but he wasn’t sure. What he felt; hatred, fear, relief. They left the cafeteria shortly after that; Jisung didn’t eat all of his food, to Seungmin's surprise. They went about their day, Jisung had decided in his mind to ignore Minho and forget about him and their nonexistent history. _ It’s so stupid to waste energy on him, you haven’t even uttered one coherent word to him. He’s just another student_. 

After Jisung's last class, he was stood by his locker organizing binders and shoving books down his backpack. In his peripheral vision he noticed Chan, Changbin, and Hyunjin coming his direction, they were talking to each other and Jisung just couldn’t help wondering where Minho was, despite promising himself he wouldn’t think of him. He tried to pick up on the boys' conversation as they walked past, but the sound of other students talking, lockers slamming and hoards of people walking past at the same time it was nearly impossible.

“_Are we meeting Minho at your place Hyunjin?” “Yeah, he said he would come later. We could leave.” _

Jisung waited a while before leaving the school, he didn’t want to run into Minho or anyone of his friends. When he finally did leave he saw Felix waiting with Jeongin and Seungmin by the school gate. The mood was gloomy among the students passing him; they were whispering and murmuring to each other, everyone spoke quietly enough to hear what they said but leaving everyone else unbeknownst what they said. Yet everyone seemed to know what was going on, well everyone but Jisung. When he arrived by his friend he greeted them and they started walking towards the bus stop, Jisungs confusion wasn’t brought up and he brushed it off as being paranoid. If something was going on they would surely know and tell him. When the bus arrived the four boys sat in the far back, the bus was rather empty; just a few students sitting in the front. 

“Did you hear what happened?” Jeongin whispered so faint no one would hear even if they sat just a seat away. Everyone turned their face towards Jisung, and once again he seemed to be the only one unaware of the situation. “What?”

“A girl in my class told me Minho might get suspended. A 11th grader picked a fight with Minho before last class, calling him names and shit; and Minho didn’t do anything so I don’t know what the guy did but he somehow ended up with a broken nose and there was blood everywhere and Minho was having a meeting after school _ to discuss the situation_.” Jeongin rambled somewhat all over the place. The three of them waited for Jisungs reaction, he was taken aback. Of what he heard from Minho he had done far worse things so getting suspended now was surprising, besides for all he knew he hadn’t fought with anyone in months. Lately he was just a student. A face in the crowd.

“Calling him names?” Jisung asked. 

“Yeah you know, calling him faggot, stuff like that.” Jeongin turned his face away and seemed done with the conversation. 

“Oh.”

_ Oh _

Jisung kept quiet for the rest of the ride. Everyone left it at that and Jisung wondered if they were okay with that, the guy calling Minho faggot. Wondered if they would care if anyone called Jisung faggot. After leaving Felix’s home late in the evening Jisung took a walk around his own neighbourhood before retreating back to his house, he was mad. At least he thought that was it. Ever since coming back from summer he always had Minho on his mind for one reason or the other, either they locked eyes in the hallways, or Jisung would pretend not to hear what others said about the boy, he would pretend not to care whenever Felix talked about how amazing Minho and Hyunjin was at dance, pretend he wasn’t jealous of him; because he could see Minho dance whenever he pleased. Jisung could just wince at the feelings towards the other boy 

_ Fuck Minho, fuck him for even making me care just an ounce about him when he is a fucking idiot who brings nothing but trouble. I don’t- I don’t care if someone called him a faggot; that’s none of my business, he could be a fagg- a faggot for all I know. I don’t care. Fuck Minho, he is messing with my thoughts and fogs my mind with bullshit. _

And once again he promised himself to stop thinking about Minho, this time he was serious. No more Minho, maybe just tonight. Maybe tonight Jisung will think briefly about how Minho's eyes were so deep and dark Jisung almost lost himself in them; and maybe Jisungs mind will wander away and think about how Minho's thighs was highlighted by the black jeans he wore today. But tomorrow Minho is just going to be another face in the crowd and Jisung would hide away the dark and forbidden thoughts about him. 

It worked, Jisung ignored Minho. Or truth be told he didn’t see Minho for almost a week, and Jisung figured it was a consequence for what had happened, but that was it. He went back to being loud and aloof, being himself. While his friends joked about how much they hated how Jisung behaved and acted like a child he knew they were relieved they didn’t need to bother with whatever he held inside himself. And Jisung felt relieved to, maybe forgetting about Minho was better, no unnecessary worry or emotions in him to disrupt his life. 

“There is a Halloween party next week, Kang Dohyun invited me and she said I could bring all my friends.” Felix wiggled his eyebrow and quickly looked around the table. They were sitting in a study room in the library which was immersed in silence. Seungmin was helping Jeongin with math, Jisung had been playing with his pen for almost 10 minutes before Felix had broken the silence.

“Was that some weak invitation or are you just stating the fact?” Jisung snapped back at him.

“Well everyone but you can come you are annoying anyways.” 

“Shut up I’m the center of the party, it would be dead without me there.”

“Keep telling yourself that.” Felix turned his attention back to the papers laid out in front of him and ignored Jisungs repeated huffing. He waited a few seconds and when no answer came he spoke again. “Well are you coming?”

The table erupted in a chorus of “yes” before continuing with their individual work. 

“I’m not letting Jisung sleeping at my place, if he throws up in my bathroom again my mom might throw me out.” Seungmin flicked a piece of his eraser on Jisungs forehead and curled his lips into a tired smile. 

“Neither am I” Jeongin said right after him. Which left Felix sighing. 

“Fuck. You are seriously sleeping in the bathtub if you are going to act like last time.”

“What? I’m not that bad am I?”

A question that was intended to be rhetorical but still answered with about 10 stories each explaining all the things Jisung has done while intoxicated or maybe even worse, just being himself. The conversation had ended with a loud “I get it okay” from Jisung before declaring how he could get home on his own. 

Yeah, maybe a Halloween party will be fun. 

* * *

Minho really doesn’t remember much from that day, it was like usual, he does remember feeling the silent and tense air of the cafeteria when he entered. Like everyone had talked about him, they probably were. A group of girls in one corner tried to gossip discreetly, but they were just too loud. _ “Looks like he lost, kinda cute though.” _

They should have seen them that night, the two boys. They were surrounded by the darkness of autumn, the moon had been shining on them from afar on the clear sky, watching them. Minho hadn’t been wearing a jacket, he didn’t know where it went; he just noticed he wasn’t wearing one when the cold pavement was burning on his skin, he barely knew the guy; he was older and stronger. And Minho almost thought he would die on the ground that day, the other guy was gripping his arms so tightly it left them numb with red marks. Blood was dripping from his nose down on Minho and his eyes were dark with rage. 

Minho doesn’t know how he managed to get on top of him either, but suddenly he had the boys arms under him and Minho kept flailing the punches on his face and he didn’t stop until his knee accidentally caused a loud _crack _to echo through the air silencing everything around them. And Minho stood up on shaky legs and looked at the boy underneath him, it ached all over and he wasn’t sure where the blood came from anymore. _ Can’t believe a fucking fairy beat me. _ The guy had laughed with blood on his face, holding his ribs tightly, mocking Minho. And like that the ache in his heart grew greater than the one throbbing in his body. _ I’m not- you know I’m not… _Minho tried to get out of him before a flashlight shone on the two of them, a man in a yellow vest was screaming at them and Minho had run away with tears burning behind his eyelids and he didn’t stop until he laid down in bed that night with blood drying on his face, staining his sheets with tears which he blamed on being caused by the bruises and cuts on his body and not the ones on his heart. 

Minho may have won the fight, purely physically. But in reality, it was one of his biggest losses. 

Suddenly he was back in the cafeteria watching the people around him, it made him sick thinking about how everyone knew what had happened and damn him for wearing a t-shirt. He had walked around the rest of that day angry, there were snow and Minho hated it. People were looking at him and he hated it. People TALKED about him and he couldn’t despite something more. And when he finally escaped school after the last classes were over he wasn’t expecting a ball of snow hitting him in the face, making his lip open and bleed; causing memories to resurface just from the taste of iron. The guy who did it had run away completely shamelessly, leaving his friends behind and Minho had left without saying a word, spitting blood on the ground was enough of a message. Changbin had mocked him the entire way home for being so dramatic, Chan and Hyunjin laughed along with them but seemed more worried. _ He is going to be scared to death Minho. _Hyunjin said in a somewhat serious tone, but still laughed it off. And they were right, for months all Minho had to do was too look at the boy in hallways or across the cafeteria for him to squirm away. But then, after summer he stopped squirming and escaping Minho's gaze with that terrified look. It was almost like he responded Minho’s glances with equally as threatening ones. Like he wasn’t the one throwing snowballs in people's faces without apologizing.

Minho recognized one of the guys he hung out with. Felix, he danced; and was fairly good at it. “_His name is Jisung, the guy you have a vendetta against. We live like two blocks away from each other.” “I didn’t ask.” “I know you wondered anyways.” _Oh how he hated Hyunjin and his ways to look through some of the deepest layers of himself, layers Minho didn’t dare to dig at himself. But still he was thankful, because now that he knew the name he could add his name on the list Minho hated; snow, people talking about him, Jisung. 

A few weeks into his 12th year, after school started again Jisung exchanged the dirty looks to nothing at all. Minho stopped seeing him completely, or whenever he did; he was ignored. He didn’t know what to expect, they were strangers. But as much as Minho didn’t want to admit it he liked the game of hate they had going on between them. It stopped when Minho was suspended, for three days he disappeared from school and when he came back, Jisung pretended he didn’t exist. Maybe he found out and that’s why he stopped. 

_ “Come on sissy do something” _

_ “Do it, I dare you.” _

_ “Afraid to fight me faggot?” _

It was a sign for Minho to move on, he couldn’t keep on thinking about the underclassman the way he did. He had to remind himself that they were mere strangers, nothing more. So decided that he should let him go, let him be one more face in the crowd and nothing more, he was simply that guy in 11th grade who talked to loud in the cafeteria, the guy whose laugh was heard through the entire school, the guy whose eyes were shining a golden brown color.

“Minho? Did you hear one word we said?” Chan waved his hand twice in front of his face. 

“Sorry what?”

“I said, some guy who's friends with Kang Dohyun asked me to her Halloween party, he said I could bring you three. Do you want to come?” He pointed around the table at then

“Oh, I guess that could be fun” 

Minho had been to her parties before, half of the school had been to them. They always ended up in chaos, throw up on carpets, hearts broken and the police being called at some point in the end. But they were fun if you had nothing to lose but the tastebuds after one too many shots.

Maybe a Halloween party would be good.

* * *

It was Jisung's first time at one of Dohyun’s parties, he had heard much about them and so far during the night, it had exceeded every expectation. The house itself was huge, apparently only housing Dohyun and her parents, but Jisung counted it had 5 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms and endless more rooms with only decor and unnecessary furniture; which at the moment was occupied by both sober and drunk teenagers trying to escape the life of the party for a moment. By the time was striking 10 PM Jisung stood in a bathroom, which already reeked of throw up from whoever occupied it before him. He started regretting that last drink of whatever he found in Felix's bag. He needed a minute of recollection before getting himself out there again. He lost Seungmin and Jeongin within the first 10 minutes of the party and Felix had wandered away shortly afterward, leaving Jisung by himself in the crowded house and it felt just too suffocating being there for too long by himself. 

He sat down on the toilet and looked over on the mirror opposite of him. He was wearing a sweatshirt with skeleton print, and Hyunjin had painted some half assed attempt of a skull on his face, it was still more effort than many here. Jisung poked his cheeks a few times before standing up to watch his hands. They were huge, he hated it. 

After he left the bathroom he decided to go on a quest to find at least one of his friends. Something caught his eyes when he started walking around, that bleached blonde hair with careful black roots fighting their way out of his scalp. Next to him, he noticed Felix who was standing in his zebra onesie, hood pulled over his normally strawberry blonde hair. “_Felix” _He shouted, noticing just now how he slurred on the end of the word. The boy looked back on Jisung and waved him over. As Jisung approached the pair he realized they weren’t alone, Hyunjin, Changbin, and Minho stood with their backs facing Jisung. “_Fuck not now.” _

“You ok Jisung?” Felix slapped him once on his back, which in Jisung's state made him lose balance for a second. 

“Yeah ‘m fine. Don’t I look fine?” Jisung threw his hands on his hips and cocked a smile. Earning a chuckle from both Felix and Changbin. 

Jisung went around the circle shaking his hands with everyone. Everyone except Minho. 

“What are you supposed to be?” Jisung scoffed at Minho, he genuinely didn’t know. He seemed to wear completely normal clothes, dressed in black jeans and a grey t-shirt. Minho proceeded to dig into his pockets and throw two packets of sugar at Jisung. 

“I’m a sugar daddy.” 

“Clever.” Jisung didn’t look Minho in the eyes. “Hey Felix I’m going to...going to see if I can find Seungmin or something.”

Jisung walked away before Felix had the chance to answer. He walked into the living room which was packed with students both younger and older than him. Someone offered him a shot of something which he gladly accepted, anything to numb him right now. Someone else, a girl from his class grabbed Jisung by the arm and dragged him down on the floor. _ Come on Jisungie we are going to play spin the bottle! _She had screamed, trying to overpower the loud music. He doesn’t remember he said yes, but he did end up on the floor with almost solely girls. Some had whiskers painted on their cheeks, someone was dressed in all red with devil horns on their head. They all took turns spinning it, it didn’t land on Jisung even once, and he was grateful for that. His mind had strayed away from the game and onto Minho who was sitting on a sofa a bit away from the circle. He thinks it was Hyunjin that was next to him. _ Jisung it’s your turn. _ And his mind started running on autopilot, he reached forward and spun the bottle, it landed on a girl with bright red lipstick, a white dress, and curled hair. “Looks like you are the lucky girl Monroe.” He exclaimed before stretching over the middle to reach her. 

He doesn’t know when he gained Minho’s attention, maybe somewhere between Jisung spinning the bottle and him placing his hand on the girls neck, bringing her forward to lock his lips with hers. He doesn’t know why his eyes lost themselves in Minho's while his mouth was somewhere else, on someone else. He doesn’t know why his stomach knotted itself when Minho’s eyes dropped slightly as he downed the remainders of his glass, still staring at Jisung. 

He pulled away from the girl and gave her a slight smile, but his eyes still wandered back and landed on Minho’s for one last time before leaving the game. He entered the kitchen and stole vodka from someone who was careless enough to leave it there unattended. After he felt it in his blood he walked over the room in a line he imagined was straight. He reached the end of the room and threw himself down next to Minho, who had been left alone by Hyunjin sometime before Jisung's arrival. They sat in silence for a while before Jisung felt he was drunk enough to speak. 

“Your costume sucks.”

“‘Scuse me?” Minho was clearly more affected by alcohol than Jisung first thought, he spoke slow, slurring between the words. 

“I said you costume fucking sucks.”

“I think it’s funny.” Minho started mumbling but the words barely made their way to Jisung. 

Minho lifted his arm and rested it behind Jisung's back on the couch cushion. Jisung couldn’t see them but he felt how Minho's fingers trembled as the hand briefly brushed past his shoulder. Jisungs stomach started tingling and he clenched his fingers around the empty cup in his hands. The vodka made the brave decision against Jisungs will to move just a bit closer to Minho, pretending he’s just changing his position a bit. Their thighs touched each other just for a moment but Minho pulled away; maybe he could feel how incredibly hot Jisung suddenly felt in his own skin.

Jisung's stomach flipped. 

“Minho hyung.”

He looked at Jisung a bit shocked, but hummed as an answer nevertheless. 

“Can you follow me to the bathroom? I think I might throw up and I’m afraid of choking to death on my own vomit.”

“Wha-”

“Just fucking follow me.”

Jisung grabbed Minho's hand despite both of them sweating enormous amounts. Their fingers were burning as they interlocked, but Jisung ignored it as he pushed past crowds of people up the stairs to one of the small bathrooms, which only consisted of a toilet and a sink. As Minho locked the door behind them Jisung threw his cup in the sink and dropped to the floor and into the toilet bowl. It barely took Jisung 5 seconds before everything he had consumed through the night came up. Minho was already on his knees next to Jisung pushing his hair away from his face, the honey hair. _ Soft_. Jisung couldn't hear what comforting words Minho whispered and Minho wouldn’t remember tomorrow what he said if anyone asked. But they were important at the moment. None of them knew how much time passed, occasionally Minho would hand Jisung cups of water and he would dab his mouth with toilet paper before flushing it down the toilet, and they sat there; Jisung breathing heavily in exhaustion. Vibration broke the silence and Minho located it down to Jisungs back pocket. 

“I think someone is calling.”

“Can you please see who’ts” His throat was hoarse from the acid. 

“It’s Felix, you want me to answer?”

“No, send him a text instead.”

“Your pin?” 

“What?”

“I need you pin to text him.”

“T’s 0000, just text him ‘I’m fine’ or something.”

“0000 huh? Must’ve taken a long time to figure such a complex code out.”

Jisung didn’t answer but Minho could see him smiling down the bowl. He dragged himself up from the toilet and rested his back against the wall next to it, ready to go back to it if needed. The bathroom was too small for two people and the air was thick in there. At some point the boys had started playing with each other's hands and none of them dared to stop, because then they would have to acknowledge that they in fact were doing just that. Jisung finally got a close look at Minho without distractions. He had a sharp chin and big eyes, they were dark; much darker than his own. He had long lashes and Jisung almost reached forward to touch them. Minho's lips were formed into a pout as they stared at each other. Jisung felt embarrassed by his own appearance, both the horrid make-up which probably had been ruined at this point, and by Minho seeing him like this. 

Minho didn’t notice how Jisung slowly got closer, his eyes were blinking at a lazy pace and he parted his lips slightly to breathe through his mouth instead of nose. He tried to ignore the thoughts about his cheeks, about the doelike golden eyes and the pink stained lips. Tried to ignore how close Jisung suddenly was. The space between them decreasing until they shared the same air; and he didn’t let Jisung get the chance to close the space between them before he did it himself. Interlocking their lips fast, but still so slow. They both pulled away, maybe to think about leaving without a word, maybe to think about continuing. 

Jisung brought his hand onto Minho's neck just like he had done to the girl earlier and met with his lips again. This time with more aggression. Jisung tasted terribly and Minho didn’t know what taste was overpowering the other, the vodka or the vomit, but still it was so good; Minho liked it. First, there was just kissing, then Jisung opened his mouth and let Minho explore it with his tongue. Jisung changed his position and crossed his legs behind Minho, rolling his head backward, letting Minho do whatever he wanted to his neck while Jisung grabbed him by the hair. Panic flushed over him when he felt Minho biting at the sensitive skin underneath his ear. “Minho hyung?” He didn’t answer immediately but when he did he spoke against Jisungs skin. “Yeah?” “I’m not gay.” 

Minho hated that word. 

One second of silence, two seconds of silence, three seconds of silence. 

“Neither am I.”

The answer was good enough for Jisung. They weren’t gay, they were just drunk. 

They continued for a while, leaving marks on each other skin, exploring the areas underneath each others shirts. Whispering nonsense into each others ears, because it was just that; nonsense. They broke off into a break and they pulled away from each other, watching each other. Flushed red in embarrassment and arousal. 

“Do you want to sleep at my place? My parents aren’t at home.” Minho spoke so quiet Jisung wasn’t sure about what he heard. It was nonsense, but oh how Jisung liked the nonsense Minho spoke about. 

“Yes.”

Minho wiped the makeup Jisung had left on his face before exiting the room, there was space between them, there to emphasize that Minho was solely in the bathroom to help his friend in need. They left the party walking just a bit closer to each other and entered Minho’s house in each other's arms. Pushing and pulling at each other, both craving the taste of each other. Jisung couldn’t see much of Minho’s house except that it was ridiculously clean, some family portraits were hanging on the wall. Jisung didn’t care honestly. They walked into a room which he guessed was Minho’s, it had cream-colored walls and posters covering the whole area above his bed. They let each other go for a moment and Minho began speaking to a cat before shooing it out of the room and closing the door behind. 

* * *

“Why is your room so fucking hot?” Jisung exclaimed irritated. As Minho turned back to the boy he was in the process of stripping off his hoodie; which he threw into a corner of Minho's room, landing behind a box. Minho couldn’t help but notice his bare waist as the hoodie pulled the shirt underneath with it before it fell back over his figure. 

Minho walked over to the bed and sat down on the edge facing Jisung, who was on his way over; he stood in front of Minho and brought Minho's hands up, letting them rest on his waist. Minho placed one kiss on Jisungs stomach before bringing him into his lap. They shared a kiss, much longer and softer than the previous ones, Jisung started tugging at the bottom of Minho's t-shirt. A cue for him to remove it. "_Yours too baby" _he whispered into Jisungs ear. The pet name leaving the younger in shock for a minute before helping both Minho and himself out of their shirts. 

Jisung was slim and toned, abs on his stomach like a 3D painting and sculpted arms. _ Does he work out? _When Minho ran his hands over his chest and along his back he noticed for the first time how smooth Jisung was. He had already left marks on the youngers neck and down to his collarbones, as far as the hoodie he previously wore allowed him too. Most of his makeup had been smudged off by both water and Minho's lips. It was weird just how perfectly Jisung fit in Minho's lap, like a puzzle piece. They weren’t even kissing anymore, just observing each other and Minho tried his best to hide the smile that was growing out of his chest. He grabbed Jisung around his waist and lifted him off his lap, laying him down on his back on the bed. The tingling feeling rushed through his body and he wanted to suffocate it. Jisung started pushing Minho off him and sat up, switching their positions. 

The kissing was sloppy and needy, Jisungs tongue ran along his neck down his chest, leaving small pecks around his waistband. He was fumbling around Minho's pants, and without thinking Minho lifted his hips to let Jisung remove them. It wasn’t until Jisung started kissing him up along his thighs, giving him a compliment after each kiss Minho realized what was happening. He grabbed Jisung and brought him back onto his lips, his heart was beating fast at the sudden realization of what might happen. It made his chest close up slightly making it harder to breathe and leaving his mouth dry. 

“You don’t need to do that tonight, maybe some other time.” One small peck on his cheek, making Jisung giggle at the touch. 

They continued for a while until the kissing got slower and the touching softer, until kissing became tiring and their eyes couldn’t stay open for more than a second at a time. They got entangled in each others arms, Jisung nuzzling his face into Minho’s chest, listening to his heartbeat slow down. As sleep got to them Minho felt the need to say something. There was so much he wanted to say but; “Can we keep this a secret?” was the only thing he could utter.

And Minho fell asleep. Dreaming of a boy with a lovely smile coating his big cheeks, eyes forming into crescent moons. Holding Minho's hand, kissing him. Whispering sweet nonsense. 

The bed was cold when he woke up close to lunchtime, it smelled faintly of a mixture of Minho's and Jisungs cologne. The room looked exactly like yesterday before Minho left for the party, a bit empty but still portraying Minho's personality in a weird way. It was almost like yesterday at least, the skeleton printed hoodie was still lying hidden in Minho's corner, and on the desk a hot pink post-it note made its presence well known.

_ Maybe some other time? _

A phone number was scratched down a bit messily underneath. 

At school the following day Minho didn’t look at Jisung and Jisung didn’t look at Minho. They were simple strangers, two faces in the crowd. 

* * *

“You okay Jisung?” Jeongin poked at Jisung’s side.

“I’m pretty sure I’m still hungover since Saturday” He was wearing a mask and sunglasses despite being inside. He wore a turtleneck, almost reaching all the way up his chin. Covering secrets, he thought Seungmin had noticed the love bites. He kept shooting him glances; wiggling his brows, trying to pull at the neck of the shirt to confirm what was underneath. He had seen Minho by his locker in the morning, displaying the hickeys like trophies. He was already regretting what he had done the morning he left Minho's house. He had woken up early at dawn when the sun was still glowing an orange hue through the window and onto them, it took him a while to fully understand where he was. _ I’m in Minho's bed, Minho is next to me in Minho's bed. I am next to Minho in MINHO'S bed. _There were parts from the night before that were blurry, especially the minutes leading up to the bathroom incident. There was only a few bits and pieces he remembered. The fact that he was still wearing pants was a good sign, though that Minho wore nothing but boxers worried him slightly. 

He felt guilty, sick even for what happened. Making out with him, sleeping in his bed, whispering things into his ears which he hoped Minho wouldn’t remember when he woke up. It was wrong for all the different reasons. Jisung had tried to fall back asleep, he was exhausted and the thought about sleeping was nice, the bed was warm and welcoming. Jisung was too uncomfortable, feeling like something was crawling around his skin; so quietly he moved away from the bed; cold without Minho's arms around him. His mouth was dry and he had never experienced a taste so bad, sour from vomit and burning from the alcohol. His head was spinning and then sun made his head ache. He couldn’t find the hoodie in the dark room, and he didn’t dare to disturb the other boy. 

He had felt obligated to do something, he didn’t know if he ever wanted to speak to Minho ever again or if he just wanted to crawl back into bed and pretend he never woke up. “_Maybe some other time” _Jisung remembered Minho had said last night before kissing him; and while Jisung doesn’t know the exact reason why Minho would say so, he could guess. And something in him wanted there to be another time, while the rest of his mind had alarms blaring loudly; warning him for what he was about to do. 

Sometimes you ignore the alarms, put them on hold, snooze them. That’s why Jisung scribbled down his number on a piece of paper and placed it on Minho’s desk, where it was impossible for him not to notice it. And maybe for 10 seconds it was a good idea, but then the millions of consequences fogged his mind. But it was too late, Jisung was already sneaking out of Minho's house, which was still quiet, if not more than yesterday. What if Minho would wake up and just throw the paper away, maybe laugh at Jisung behind his back. What if he told his friends what had happened, and they were laughing, what if he would tell others. 

No that wouldn’t make sense, Minho had asked _ him _to keep it a secret; Jisung knew what people had been gossiping about Minho - he knew he was the last person who would publicly admit what they had done. But still, passing Minho in the corridors, seeing him in the schoolyard, and noticing him just a bit more in the cafeteria made his stomach knot. Minho had seen the note and ignored it because he regretted what the two did and never wanted to see Jisung again; it was the only reason Jisung could think of at least. 

Truth be told, Minho had panicked when he saw the note. Nuisance had washed over him, he looked around the room and could still feel Jisung’s presence, his hoodie in the corner reminding him of the memory of Jisung undressing, the shadow of his body in his bed. He felt sick, not because of Jisung but of himself. 

He threw up, both because he was hungover and because he was sick. 

Sick

Sick because he enjoyed the previous night more than anything in his life, the comfort of falling asleep with the other in his embrace, the warmth of the others skin against his own. How their lips fit together, like they were made for each other. But Minho wasn’t supposed to feel this way. Because he was a boy, and boys who like boys are sick.

Sick

Minho didn’t just panic because he saw the note, he panicked because he wanted there to be another time, he wanted to text Jisung immediately and ask when they could meet again. He kept going over what had happened the night before, how Jisung looked flushed red on his lap, or groaned when Minho bit him on the nape. It made Minho crazy, how he never felt the butterflies in his stomach go crazy like this. The feelings. They made him panic. 

And when Minho went to school and he saw Jisung hiding behind masks and turtlenecks the butterflies was flying all around him. Minho was walking around with normal zip up shirt, hickeys trailing around his neck. And he was embarrassed, because Jisung seemed so embarrassed over what had happened, not even the secret parts of Minho that wished for another time could be happy when Jisung radiated nothing but regret as they walked past each other. What if Jisung told his friends what they had done, what had happened in the bathroom and Jisung following him home. But he had promised to keep it a secret, so it didn't make sense. Nothing made sense, Jisung didn’t make sense and Minho’s feeling didn’t make sense. It was a pile of chaos caused by two drunk people out of their minds. 

When Changbin met Minho in the morning he had been laughing at Minho for being so shameless. _ “No shame Minho-hyung, who did you meet at the party? Come on tell me.” _Minho had refused to tell him but the teasing was inevitable, Chan had been snickering behind Minho the whole first class after seeing him walstering in looking beat up. And he left himself doomed to endless jokes coming from his friends, and though nobody else dared to say anything about it, he was well aware of the people staring at his neck like it was a starlit night. But it wasn’t stars on his neck, they were trails of the secret Minho carried, burning on his skin, and he knew Jisung’s skin was burning too, burning with secrets underneath the turtleneck. 

Minho wasn’t sure of what he felt, the butterflies was fighting with the demons inside him, trying to compete over the control of Minho's mind. 

The butterflies won this time. In the middle of the night after school that day, Minho couldn’t stop thinking about what Jisung’s body would look like in his bed now, painted with teeth marks and love bites, think about his slim waist but strong body. How their skin would feel touching. 

The butterflies won this time. In the middle of the night that day Minho held up the note next to his phone and pressed the numbers into his phone with shaky fingers. Retyping the simple sentence over and over to make it seem natural; like he didn’t think about it. 

“_My parents are away tomorrow, still up for another time?” _

He cringed at the question, regretted it. But perhaps the boy on the other end was up thinking about Minho the same way, because not more than 10 minutes later Minho got his response. 

“_Yeah. _”

* * *

“You wanna do something after school?” Seungmin threw small pieces of paper on Jisung’s side of the table. Jisung looked over at the other boy, he had wavy dark brown hair lying peacefully on his forehead, hiding the eyebrows underneath. His face was painted in a frown and he was concentrated on tearing new pieces of paper. 

“Can’t you hang out with Jeongin-ah or something?”

“He is busy after school.”

“I’m busy too.”

“Jisung? Busy? With what? You have no other friends.” 

“First of all, it’s _ hyung” _Jisung huffed “and no but I can still be busy.” Neither Jisung, Seungmin, Felix or Jeongin had ever bothered with honorifics, but it didn’t stop them from pointing it out as a joke.

“You are one week older than me.”

“Sounds like I’m older than you.”

“What are you going to do then?”

“None of your business.”

The conversation had started playfully, and Jisung's last remark came out just a bit too aggressive. It wasn’t his intention to sound mad or secretive. Or it was his intention to be secretive; but just not to make it obvious he was secretive. He had told his mother in the morning that he was sleeping at Felix house; which she ultimately agreed on despite it being a school night, she never pried on Jisung or what he was doing, but he could hear her thoughts running through the endless question before leaving at a simple “_have fun honey.” _before he left. Maybe Jisung wished she would pry more, or he wished for his dad to ask more questions so he had an excuse to tell them the things he didn’t dare say to his best friends; even though they were the ones prying and asking. But Seungmin stopped asking, a bit taken aback by Jisung's odd and cold way of shutting him down. He wished silently that his mother wouldn’t call Felix parents to confirm anything and he hoped Seungmin wouldn’t comment on his behavior. 

Jisung still wore big sweaters covering his body all the way up his neck, the bruises are fading but they were more than noticeable. The day before he had stolen a bag of peas out of the freezer after school and let it sit on his skin for hours, hoping they would disappear quickly. Maybe there was no point, he was going to sleep with Minho tonight and he wasn’t doubting he would leave with traces of the other on him; and he only had so many turtlenecks being there to hide him. 

Seungmin and Jisung left for class with a blanket of untold tension between them, Jisung figured it would be fine tomorrow so he didn’t bother pointing it out. 

Usually Jisung didn’t leave the classroom during the class to go to the bathroom. But today it was particularly boring in class, not that leaving for a few minutes would be so fun but it would be better than sitting by his desk doodling small flowers along the corners of his paper. 

He really wished he didn’t leave class, when he pushed the door open to the bathroom someone was in the action of leaving one of the stalls. Lee Minho of all people. They shared a look with each other; and while it looked like Minho would say something he shut his mouth in a firm line. When Jisung entered the stall he heard Minho rushing his hands under the water, his shoulders were tensing up and it was hard to relax when he knew Minho was on the other side. Jisung waited a minute or two, hoping Minho would leave so they could avoid talking face to face, but the sound of the door opening and closing never came. He flushed the toilet without doing anything and opened the stall door with caution. He could already spot Minho in the reflection of the mirror, he was resting his shoulder against a pillar next to the door. He wore a large bomber jacket over a bright yellow shirt. It was pushed back to his elbows. Straight black jeans, ripped at the knees clothed his legs, a bit tight over the thighs. Jisung could spot small purple bruises peeking up from the shirt and one on the side of his neck. 

“You know the apple behind school?” 

The apple, an area of old apple trees surrounding one single picnic table far behind school. Forgotten by most students and hidden to the public. That’s where you either went to carve confessions into the almost rotten table, love declarations into the trees or left smoke and secrets linger in the air. Yeah, Jisung knew about the apple. 

The running water was so incredibly loud, it was hard to concentrate when he felt Minho eyeing him from behind. 

“Yeah.” Jisung turned around to meet Minho's eyes, he flicked his hands to shake the water away. 

Minho was pulling at his collar, much more nervous than his voice portrayed him to be. His eyes were shifting around the room, everywhere but on Jisung. Jisung took the initiative to walk over to Minho, so that they would speak facing each other, at one point Minho had no choice but to look at Jisung directly. There was something undefinable between them, it was hot and Minho was sweating. 

He reached his hand up towards Jisung, it was trembling. He tugged the neck of Jisung's shirt downwards a bit, exposing what was underneath. Then he pulled it up again and smoothed it out so no one would see something they weren’t supposed to see. He leaned forward and whispered into Jisungs ear. _ “Meet me there after school won’t you.” _

Jisung thinks Minho bit own lip without noticing, his body language was contradicting each other. His hands and eyes said one thing, but the honey voice and the way he behaved said another. Jisung, who normally was cocky and extroverted was suffocated with the way Minho uttered the simple words, like he was whispering nonsense, sweet sweet nonsense. 

Minho left Jisung with ears tainted red and hot, he held them underneath his hands the entire way back to the classroom. He wondered if anyone would notice, probably not. Probably not even one student would bat their eyes at Jisung for more than 3 seconds when he came back. Probably at least. But Felix and Seungmin were clever, they watched Jisung, and they would probably enlighten Hyunjin and Jeongin later that something was up. Maybe “probably” was an understatement in this case. But there was nothing Jisung could do except deny any accusation that _ probably _would come his way, sooner or later. 

He stayed back in school for a while after his friends left to ensure they wouldn’t see him sneaking to the apple, it was closer to 4 pm and the sun was already close to going down. Jisung was wearing a large padded jacket over his clothes, and stuffed his hands in his pockets to shield them from the cold air when he stepped outside the school. It stung his face and made his nose turn a shaded pink color. There was probably not more than a 5 minute walk to the apple, he wondered why no one was here anymore. With every year fewer and fewer students knew about it. Maybe it was because the table could fall apart any second or maybe it just wasn’t as interesting as the older students made it out to be. It’s just a table, they’ve got lots of those closer to the school. As he got close to the center of the apple he spotted Minho through the now bare trees. He was resting against the table, not really sitting on it. He was fiddling with his phone, switching the hand he held it in every 15 seconds to keep the other in his pocket. Minho had noticed the others presence and snapped his head to look at the other. He seemed relieved almost, sighing. Jisung eyed the bike that was leaning against the opposite side of the table. 

“We are gonna ride on your bike to your place?” Jisung felt like when he was 11 and he and Felix would bike around town during the summers. 

“You can walk.” 

“No it’s fine.” 

Jisung walked over to Minho, there was an awkward silence around them, they had nothing to talk about. They stared at each other like that again, like they were the only two people on earth. Jisung didn’t know what it was about Minho's eyes, it was like they were reflecting the galaxy above them, it made Jisung’s stomach tingle. Minho broke away from the stare and started preparing the bike, brushing the seat off and leading it out of the wooded area down to the asphalt. He swung his leg over the crossbar and looked back at Jisung who stared at him dumbfounded. The bike didn’t have a carrier for Jisung to sit on, and it wasn’t like Jisung was small enough to sit on the handlebars. 

Minho patted the saddle and waved Jisung over. 

“You get the luxury of sitting today.” 

Jisung pulled the hood of his jacket over his head to conceal it to the world around them, then he sat down on the saddle. Minho asked a small “_ready?” _before taking off, making Jisung clasp his hands firmly around Minho's waist in fear of falling off. Minho was fast, they biked past several blocks in a matter of seconds. That’s what it felt like at least when the houses around them disappeared as fast as they came. Jisung rested his forehead against Minho's back, it felt somewhat reassuring. Minho that is. Minho felt reassuring in Jisung's arms, like it was supposed to feel like this. It was different though, this wasn’t like hugging Jeongin or cuddling Felix. It was something entirely new, and Jisung liked it. A lot.

He didn’t notice when the bike slowed down and Minho put his feet on the ground. Jisung kept his hands around Minho for a second after he realized they had stopped. “We are here.”

They entered the house and walked into the big kitchen, it had a kitchen island with polished marble. It was so clean it looked unused. 

“Where are your parents?” 

“Mom’s at my aunts and dad’s overseas on business. They are gone a lot.” It felt like there was a something implied with the last sentence. 

“I’ll go to the bathroom then I can cook us something. You can drop your bag in my room.” Minho started again and pointed at a door down the hallway.

  
  


“Holy shit this is good!” 

Minho was laughing as Jisung filled his cheeks with just a bit too much food. A noodle was hanging down his lips. He nodded and thanked Jisung but didn’t pride himself too much. Minho was much more different when they were alone like this. Minho was speaking freely and openly with confidence in his voice and it was attractive in a way. The way Minho acted with Jisung. He thought it would be awkward, like it had been by the apple. But it was easy to speak to Minho, their conversations seemed deep but they were just scratching the surface of each others personality, still, it felt natural. When they were done with eating Minho took his time cleaning the dishes while Jisung introduced himself to all of the cats and spent minutes holding conversations with each of them. “My name is Jisung, but you can call me Ji. What’s your name?” he cooed at them. 

  
  


“You wanna watch a movie?”

It took 10 minutes for any of them to dare closing the small distance between them, letting their shoulders touch. 

It took 25 minutes for Jisung to lean his head against Minho's shoulder. 

It took 32 minutes for them to hold hands under the blanket Minho had thrown over them, like the action didn’t happen if none of them could see it. 

It took another 30 minutes for Minho to pull Jisung closer forcing their legs to tangle together. 

After a long 1 hour and 46 minutes the sappy romantic comedy Jisung had picked out ended with the two main characters kissing. 

It took 1 hour and 46 minutes for Jisung and Minho to do the same as the movie moved onto the credits. 

Compliments were thrown at each other between the careless kisses, they made Jisung's heart flutter in a way he hadn’t felt before. He felt how Minho started picking him up, so he crossed his legs behind Minho's back to stay in place when he stood up. Minho walked fast over to his room while Jisung nibbled at the skin on his neck. Their breath was heavy, like they had been running a marathon. 

Jisung was thrown on the bed, not aggressively, but with lust. They helped each other out of their shirts and Jisung couldn’t help but look at Minho in awe. His arms were strong and his shoulders were wide. The heat in his stomach moved downwards and he could spot the same thing happening to Minho as their bodies grinded against each other. Both liked it, but alarms were going off in both of their heads, both were aware of the second-guessing. They needed an excuse. 

“I’m really turned on Minho.” It made Jisung turn his face away in shame as he felt it turn red. Minho took the moment to turn his face back to him and leave trails of kisses on the corner of his mouth, down along his jawline and up to his ear. 

“Take off your pants for me.” He whispered. And there it was; the nonsense that made Jisung go crazy. Jisung fumbled with his pants underneath Minho and Minho shuffled inside his bedside table. 

They had their excuse so they could continue with their minds put at a false ease. They were not gay - they were just horny. Excuses was all they needed. 

They were a lot of firsts for each other. It was their first time kissing another boy. It was both of their first _times, _ever. It was the first time they ever shared a secret like this with someone. Except they weren't just someone to each other. Maybe it was even the first time having a relationship like this. So many firsts. 

Then it wasn’t their first time anymore, it was their second, their third, fourth. As soon as Minho had the house alone Jisung made his way there one way or another, they created something like a routine, watch a movie, get close, kiss, do it, shower, cuddle, sleep, wake up, pretend nothing happened. The secrets was important for them, they made up rules. No visible hickeys. Don’t talk in school. Don’t interact if someone could see them. Tell no one about what they did. They didn’t want anyone to think that they had any sort of relationship, especially not romantic, because that’s not what they had. There was just a lot of hormones messing with their heads and made them do stuff, and rules was needed to keep their secret intact. 

Both seemed okay with it, they always enjoyed their time together, but there really was nothing more to it, they weren’t close like that. Either they parted their ways with a guilty face in the morning by the apple, so no one would see them come together or they would wave each other bye at Minho's house and then wonder if what they did was wrong. Could it be wrong if both liked it so much? It didn’t matter, they had no further relationship than being friends with benefits, if you would call them friends in the first place. Exploring whatever more they might have had was scarier than doing what they already did. Feelings had no place in their relationship. If they felt anything, it was suppressed so far away they forgot about it. 

The rules worked for a while, December had come along the way and made a big entry with snow, coating the ground and making the air colder. Jisung and Minho usually met during the weekends for a night or on an occasional weekday here and there. For some reason it was easier to ignore each other when they knew they would see the other sooner than later. So yeah the rules worked for a while. Until Jisung started hanging back in school after classes were over or took a different route home and the others started noticing. The rules worked until Changbin wondered why Minho started to draw away from them and stopped hanging with them on weekends. Of course the conversations were avoidable. “_I’m just tired.” “Oh it’s just nice taking a long walk home.” _

The rules worked until Minho heard the door open and shut at home while Jisung rested in his lap, arms around Minho's neck. The loud noise startled both boys, which made Minho almost push Jisung out of his bed before running up to his bedroom door, opening it carefully and slipping out, shutting the door close behind him.

“Mom? What are you doing home?”

“My train was canceled so I’m going there another day. Aunt Jihyun said she could hold up for a while on her own.” Minho's mother sighed loudly, she had concern in her face. “What are you doing Minho?” She glanced back at the door, Minho was clutching his hand hard around the door handle. 

“Wha-” 

There was no stopping her, she pushed Minho to the side and opened his bedroom door, ignoring Minho trying to stop her without making too much trouble. She looked more than surprised when she saw the other boy on the bed, grasping a book in his lap, flicking a pen back and forth. 

“Hello?” Minho's mother had said, more as a question than a statement. 

Minho was panicking behind her, breathing short quick breaths. Barely getting enough oxygen. Jisung stood up and greeted her, telling her Minho had been helping him with some homework, saying he knew Changbin and Chan. Minho was shocked by the way Jisung lied while still bearing such a comfortable smile and speaking so calmly and soft. He had convinced his mom, she was happy Minho had started bringing friends over. _“It’s been so long since I saw any of them, shouldn’t we cook them dinner when your father comes back home?” “Yeah maybe.” _Minho was just smiling painfully at his mother, and when she left them alone Minho closed the door behind her and locked it before trapping Jisung under his body to give him a hug. 

“You lie with such ease, how do you do it?” Pausing between every word to kiss him silently, still afraid his mother would hear them, even though he knew she was in a different part of the house at this point. 

“I’m a natural-born liar, I could lie about anything.” 

Jisung laughed as he said it, it was true. The laughing and the kisses died down but Minho still laid on top of him. Jisung patted Minho's dark hair carefully, feeling himself getting sleepy. _ I could lie about anything. _Jisung wondered if he had started lying to himself too recently, or he knew he was lying about what he felt. But it hadn’t been a problem up until now, but there was something more to them like this. Affection Jisung craved like he never had before, and he was unsure anyone could please him like Minho did. 

Minho had told his mother it was too late for Jisung to go home, and that’s why he slept there. Minho made a big fuss about bringing a mattress and covers into his room while his mother watched TV. So she would know that they didn’t share a bed, they were just friends. And Minho just helped Jisung with homework.

One of the rules were broken. Don’t interact if someone could see you. But it was fine, it was just Minho's mom, if she stopped seeing Jisung she would surely forget about him entirely. They just need to be more careful, maybe not see each other for a while. 

  
  


“Where are you going?” Minho tried to keep up with Hyunjin who walked past multiple free tables in the cafeteria, ignoring Minho. Changbin was walking close behind Minho, he didn’t complain about Hyunjin taking the lead, and Minho felt more trapped than anything. Like Changbin stood behind him to make sure he didn’t flee. Then he saw where they were going, Chan was sitting at Jisung's table, next to Felix. The table was filled with Jisung's friends. Minho stopped in his tracks making Changbin take a big turn to make sure he didn’t bump into him. “Keep on walking Minho.” He sneered. 

Their second rule, no talking in school was crumbling underneath him. Falling to pieces. 

Jisung was shocked when Chan came sitting down next to Felix at their table during lunch. Felix introduced him properly and told them Chan was from Australia like him. But it’s fine, it’s just Chan isn’t it? Then Jisung saw Hyunjin marching with a boy sheepishly walking behind him. _ Maybe they aren’t coming this way, maybe they will sit down somewhere else; and then Chan will move to them. Yes that must be it. _That’s what Jisung tried to convince himself even though both Hyunjin and Changbin stood promptly by their table, Seungmin and Jeongin moved around a bit so the three other boys could fit, leaving a place opposite of Jisung for Minho. Who was reluctant to sit down, but did it nevertheless when Changbin shot him an annoyed glare. The table erupted into talk between everyone, the changing of conversation was never-ending, where one thread ended someone else picked up on it. But Minho and Jisung sat quiet, because they had a rule. Don’t talk in school.

Jisung had promised to be with Felix today, Felix would follow him home and he would sleep there. It was the first time in long they spent time together, either Jisung slept at Minho's or he was too tired to be with anyone. Jisung thought it was a nice change, to be with Felix. Jisung's mother was happy to see Felix too, she had mumbled while cooking how Jisung spent so much time with Felix but Felix never came to them and it was nice to see him. It made Jisung nervous, but Felix didn’t acknowledge the statement, so he hoped the other just didn’t notice what she had said. 

A long silence had fallen over them when Jisung sat on the floor with his computer in front of him while Felix sat on Jisung's bed and played games on his phone. 

“Hey Ji.” Jisung hummed at him. “I know you don’t like Minho-hyung but-”

The name made him shudder, the name being uttered by anyone else but Jisung was weird in a way ever since the two had started their thing. And in fact, Jisung only said his name if it was very serious or if they were in the heat of the moment. But Jisung didn’t own Minho's name, everyone could use it. 

“But can you please make some effort into getting to know him? Chan is really nice and it’s nice having someone like me as a friend. And I think you could become great friends with Hyujin and especially Changbin. And I talked to Hyunjin and I think I will perform with Minho-hyung and him so we will spend time a lot together after winter break. The whole group may hang out sometimes now.” 

“Yeah of course.”

“And also. Why did your mom say you have been with me so much lately? This is the first time in like a month any of us are at your place. Or with you at all actually”

Fuck how much Jisung had hoped he wouldn’t bring it up. He wanted to tell Felix about Minho, actually, there was no one else he would want to tell at the moment. But he lied because if he wanted to continue being with Minho they had to keep one rule intact at least. Tell no one. 

“I haven’t been great lately, if I don’t want to be home I’ll tell my mom I’m with you even though I’m by the apple or around in town just so she won’t worry.” Jisung closed the laptop a bit and smiled up at Felix, who looked at him with a worried expression. One thing Jisung had learned when you lie, you always sprinkle some truth in it to make it more believable. 

“Alone?” 

“Yeah.”

“Don’t lie to me.” Ah there it was, Felix voice had deepened and it became raspy when he spoke low enough for only Jisung to hear. Seungmin was good at spotting Jisung’s bullshit, but Felix was always the one to address it. 

“I don-”

“Jisung!”

None of them were used to being so serious with each other. 

“I can’t tell you.”

“Why?” 

The tears burned at the back of Jisung's eyelids, he couldn’t tell Felix. Because if he did, he wouldn’t be able to be with Minho, but jeopardizing his friendship with Felix was worse. He felt stuck in the situation, if he told Felix the truth about him and Minho he feared being hated by his friend. If he lied to Felix’s face, well the situation would surely be the same; Felix would hate him. What do you do then? You tell the truth, or you mostly tell the truth at least. 

“I’m afraid you’ll hate me.” It was irrational, Felix would never hate him. But the scared mind is powerful. 

Felix softened up, ha crawled down on the floor and cupped Jisungs cheeks. 

“I can’t hate you, just tell me.”

“Felix. I think- I think I might be ga-. I think I like guy-” 

The words stuck in Jisung's throat like glue, but Felix understood what he tried to say. So he brought Jisung to his shoulder the moment he saw the tears rolling down Jisung’s cheeks even though he believed Jisung didn’t even notice them at first. It didn’t take long for Jisung to let out hiccups and quiet sobs in Felix’s arms. The silent tears stained Felix’s shirt. But he was okay with it. 

“You can’t tell anyone, no one. Not Jeongin or even Seungmin. I don’t want them to hate me.” Jisung was suddenly looked at his friends face, eyes red and serious. 

“I’d never tell anyone.” Felix shushed him, tried to help Jisung breathe at a steady pace. They hugged each other close, closer than Jisung and Minho had ever been. Jisung felt something drop off his shoulders, it was like he had been carrying rocks for years and he was finally allowed to put them down on the ground for a moment, and when he carried them again later, someone would be there to help him. It was relieving saying something he had tried to bury out loud for the very first time. He had thought about it before. _ Maybe I am - gay. _He put those thoughts in a box and pushed them deep down like it was a bomb. He could hear it tick in his mind every day. 

It was a matter of time before Jisung would’ve exploded, it could have been in the cafeteria at school, at dinner with his parents. Or with Minho. But he was happy the bomb went off when he was with Felix, because he was there to help clean up. They parted and Felix wiped some nearly dried tears off Jisungs cheek. 

“I’m sorry Felix, I swear, I never intended to lie like this.”

“It’s okay. For real. You were just really absent, Seungmin was worried to death that you finally snapped or something and couldn’t be around him. And Jeongin thought you were dying.” He paused, but let out a chuckle. “I’m sorry for pushing you, if I knew how hard this was for yo-” 

“I’m happy you pushed me. It feels weird to say it out loud. The word you know, I hate it.” 

Felix knew what word Jisung was referring to, the word that was used way too many times to mock something, or someone. It was supposed to be something people could carry with pride, but instead Jisung had turned it into something disgusting. 

“Do you wanna tell me who it is?” 

The boys sat leaning against Jisung’s bed, they had been quiet for a long time. Just staring at the ceiling. 

“No. I kinda wanna pretend like this never happened.” 

They left it at that, Felix knew. He was okay with it, he wouldn’t tell anyone. So Jisung should have been okay, should’ve been happy. But still, he thought about how the word didn’t belong to him the way he wanted to. Felix was okay with it, and deep down he knew the other boys were too. But the problem was that Jisung wasn’t okay with it on any level. He wanted to be, but he wasn’t. 

What would he do about Minho now, for weeks he had been telling himself all these excuses that made it okay to be with Minho. There were none left, no excuses. 

Jisung had thought that maybe Chan and the others wouldn’t be around them so much. But as Chan and Felix had found some new sort of friendship and Minho, Felix and Hyunjin was working on choreography together everyone just started spending more time together, whether they wanted it or not. Despite Jisung's and Minho's well existing private relationship with each other they were the only ones who barely said a word to the other. Jisung had noticed how Minho and Hyunjin always shared _ passive-aggressive _ glances at each other over the table while eating, though nobody ever said anything out loud. When Hyunjin caught Jisung staring at him during one of their exchanges he had immediately averted his gaze between Minho and Jisung for a second before turning his attention away from them. 

The occasional once a week “let's eat lunch together” turned into the two groups of boys sitting together every day. Not only were they hanging out more in school, from time to time they would follow Felix or Changbin to their place, since they lived the biggest. At least if you count Minho away, but he was determined to never let the group stay at him. It was harder for Jisung and Minho to keep their secret up, if they ever wanted to spend weekends or nights together they had to coordinate their lies more carefully, making sure there are no things for the others to question. Aside from that Jisung grew more scared of what he had told Felix, afraid it would reach the others before he was ready to tell them. He wanted to, especially Minho; but the perfect moment never came. 

Yet Minho was starting to get daring. Not in the way others would describe daring. But for the two boys, sitting close to him during lunch, putting his arm behind Jisung if they ever sat somewhere it is allowed to do so, letting his hand touch Jisung's lower back whenever Minho got the chance to do so unnoticed. It was always during those moments when the others were up in their own conversations so they wouldn’t look their way, not that there was anything to point out if they would notice, Jisung was more affectionate towards Felix in the span of one hour than Minho and Jisung had been towards each other publically. 

On the last day of school before winter break Jisung had intended to walk home alone before he was approached by Hyunjin just outside the school gates. 

“We could go together if you don’t mind?” Hyunjin spoke with a big smile on his face making the words come out with a much higher pitch than Jisung was used to. 

“Yeah of course.” 

The walk was silent for a while, Hyunjin’s presence was calming though. It didn’t make Jisung feel forced to speak. 

“Ji can I ask you a question about Minho?”

The name alone made Jisung think about his conversation with Felix prior. Everything about it. 

“I guess.” Though Jisung had tried to sound confident, it came out much more uncertain than anticipated. 

“I have noticed Minho usually stares at you whenever we are together. So I asked him about it, he got super defensive but he never really answered why he stares so much. Is there anything going on between you?” Hyunjin looked at Jisung, the younger kept his eyes on the road. Jisung was shocked over how extremely upfront Hyunjin was. 

“I don’t like him.” 

“I was asking if there was something going on with you.”

“Obviously- obviously not? We are not friends or anything else. I’m- I’m not.” Jisung stumbled around the words and ended the sentence abruptly before picking up it again. “Why? Has someone said anything?!” 

“No, I was just wondering. Minho seems so interested in you, whenever you talk about something. Smiling at you and everything when he thinks no one is watching.” 

“Why are you telling me this?” 

“Thought you should know. Oh, I need to turn here. Maybe we’ll see each other during the break?”

Hyunjin left Jisung without words in the middle of the street. 

_ Thought you should know. _

* * *

Jisung stayed home for the most part of the break, he couldn’t bother talking to anyone at all. Jeongin and Seungmin had bugged him to meet them once down in town, which Jisung ultimately agreed too. The afternoon turned into some sort of “Jisung bullying day_ ” _where they let off all the steam that had built up during the break. “Can’t you bully someone else instead?” Jisung had shouted when Seungmin threw a handful of snow in his face "But that's not as fun, Ji.” Seungmin whined as a response.

After that Jisung kept to himself in the comfort of his home, and honestly there was only one person Jisung missed; as much as he hated to admit it. So when Minho texted him just a few days before school if he wanted to be with him as his parents where off on a short holiday Jisung was on his feet quicker than ever. _ “Why don’t you stay for 2 nights this time? My parents are away until school starts.” _

The thought scared him a bit, being with Minho and only Minho for such a long period of time. It felt like they would run out of things to do, both were afraid of being seen together in public and there was only so much you could do at Minho's. The two of them didn’t really have that sort of relationship, or friendship for that matter, they couldn’t do just about anything. They knew nothing about each other really except for their names. 

* * *

The break was a time for Minho to think. Before the group of friends went on about their own on the break, Hyunjin had pulled Minho aside after school. 

_ “How do you feel about Jisung? I think I’m the only one who notices but you stare at him a lot, like he is the only person around the table.” _

It had taken him aback. _ How do I feel about Jisung? _

Minho’s forte was never feelings, it had never been. For all these years he had let any sort of negative emotion turn into fire inside him, letting it burn until it got a bit too hot for him. Making him spread the fire to whoever was provoking him enough. The fire had been suffocating ever since he met Jisung, suffocating in a good way. But it had also prospered. They never talked about their days or how they felt, still Jisung was comforting Minho in ways none of them even knew was possible. And Minho wanted the fire inside him to die, and instead let everything that made his life just a bit better grow into a beautiful garden inside him. Something inside him told him Jisung was there too make that possible, that he would help the flowers thrive, something else told him that was impossible. The fire would always burn and Jisung added fuel in ways that he didn’t mean to. 

Jisung, there was something about him. He made Minho feel things, excitement, happiness, disgust, self-hatred. One good thing about Jisung made Minho think about two bad things in return, keeping the scale closer to fire than flowers. _ He is beautiful. You can’t think such things, that is disgusting. People will hate you. He is so funny. What if people knew? You are doing something wrong. I like Jisung. I hate myself. I hate who I am. _

Still, he wanted to think that the things about Jisung that made the butterflies inside fight his demons made it okay. Every time the sun from outside his window hit Jisung's face or when he cracked jokes Minho only could roll his eyes too the fire was dying, grasping after air to latch onto. Minho wanted to feel like that all the time, he wanted to feel like he did when Jisung hugged him so tight it made him lose air. He wanted to feel like when Jisung placed small kisses on his face. He wanted to feel like when he straddled the others in his arms and just sat there. 

But oh how bad Minho was bad at feelings. Because when Jisung left Minho, he was reminded of what they did, and the fire found something new to release its’ flames onto. And he would lay in bed and everything would hurt because he had been taught that the things they did were wrong. He wasn’t supposed to feel what he felt. 

Jisung put a lid over the fire when they were together, but when he left he opened it and threw a few matches at it to add onto it. 

Minho’s forte was never feelings. He would flunk if it was a class. But it wasn’t, it was real life. And now Minho had no choice but to decide what he would do with said emotions. 

  
  


On his way to Minho Jisung sent a quick message to Felix. 

_ “My mom thinks I’m staying at yours until Saturday, have my back?” _

_ “Until Saturday? Are you with _ _him__?” _

_ “Yes.” _

Felix was still in the blue about who it was, in joking manners he had started guessing guys at their school whenever they were alone. _ Is it an upperclassman? Underclassman? First name? _Jisung liked how the conversation felt light whenever Felix brought up guys in a romantic way, like there was actually nothing wrong with it. Small parts of him started believing Felix’s words. Maybe it was okay.

Truth be told, no one ever taught him it was wrong. It was something he had come up on his own. His parents were more than accepting, positive towards the community. Maybe it was the way he heard people in school scream the word gay out of frustration when something didn’t go their way. Or the way that the word seemed to be the perfect insult to throw at the people who didn’t fit in. Maybe it was the way he had heard about people calling students like Minho faggot. During a large portion of his life, Jisung did his best to fit in, maybe not in the perfect way. Classmates used to say he had an ego bigger than his brain and that he was too loud. But still they liked him enough to leave him alone, he wasn’t popular but he wasn’t one of the outcasts either. 

It took Jisung 45 minutes to arrive in front of Minho's house, the darkness of winter had already engulfed him and the cold was biting at his toes through the sneakers he wore. He saw someone at the end of the street walking in his direction so he hurried up to the door and entered without thinking about knocking. Minho arrived at the door in seconds, waiting for Jisung to take off his outerwear. 

Minho was fiddling with Jisungs blue loose fitting dungarees, which looked almost ridiculously big over his hoodie. 

“You dyed your hair?” Minho questioned him. As a reflex Jisung pushed his hand through his hair. 

“I darkened it a bit.” His hair had been a light blonde orange colour for months before his brother had convinced him to dye it again. ”_It will fall out if you keep on bleaching it!” _It was still far from his natural black hair, but the lighter chestnut colour he now rocked felt healthier and like a fresh start in a way. 

“It suits you.” 

Minho dragged Jisung away from the entrance by the hands. “Come on, I prepared something for us. Close your eyes” 

Jisung did what he was told and followed with careful steps as Minho walked fast-paced. He whispered a quiet _ “stairs” _before the two started walking downstairs. _ Downstairs? Do they have a basement? _A faint smell of cinnamon and oranges filled the air. It buried itself deep in Jisung's lungs, it was warm in the basement. Really warm, it felt like they had underfloor heating all over. 

“Okay open your eyes.” 

The room they were standing in was shining in a dark golden hue, it was a bathroom. A giant one; it was covered in white tiles and cedar accents. The small chandelier hanging from the ceiling was turned off, instead, the bathroom was was lit up by candles, two of which stood by the sink which Jisung suspected was scented. Minho walked up to the large bathtub who stood in the corner of the room, he dropped a bathbomb of some sort into the water and watched with big eyes as bubbles and different colours covered the surface. It was almost textbook romantic. Minho looked at Jisung to read his reaction. Jisung was to say the least surprised. He observed everything around him with his mouth shaped into an “o”. He let out a small chuckle. 

“What’s all this?”

“Well, it’s cold outside and you walked all the way here didn’t you? And also I thought we needed some relaxation. Take your clothes off.”

He could never defy the olders commands. Not that he wanted too. So slowly he started stripping one piece of clothing after the other as Minho watched him, his eyes turned darker and he tilted his head slightly as the clothes fell to the floor. Jisung stopped when he was left with only boxers on. Which made Minho mime “_Those too _.” The youngers ears turned red before his cheeks did. 

“Why are you embarrassed? I’ve seen you naked before”

“Take off yours too hyung.” 

And when both of them stood in only boxers Minho turned around so his back faced Jisung, peeled off the tight boxers and stepped into the bathtub. Wincing as the skin came in contact with the steaming water. “Jisungieeee” Minho dragged on the word in that way that made Jisung crumble with endearment. So he did the same and entered the water. They sat opposite each other for a while, playing with the water until Minho pulled Jisung towards him. “_Let me wash your hair.” _And maybe the two of them expecting them to only talk about their day like normal, a bit shallow perhaps but they really had nothing else to talk about. This was until Jisung somehow mentioned his brother, which spiraled into thoughts about university and hobbies and then into stories about their family. And the surface of knowledge of each other which previously was untouched and covered with dust was now dug up. They talked until the temperature of the water turned from scorching to barely lukewarm and their fingers were nothing more than prunes. This was just another first for them, getting to know each other. 

Minho leaned forward and placed a kiss on Jisung’s lips before taking his hand and leading him out of the water. “Your lips are turning blue”. 

Jisung was handed a towel after he got out. The air outside the tub was already much colder and shivers started creeping up on him. The two of them went upstairs again and Minho handed Jisung a pair of sweatpants that spelled out “Lee Minho” on the left leg and a t-shirt that was even larger than the shirt he wore when he arrived.

“I have clothes of my own hyung.”

“You gonna wear jeans now? It’s almost 7 pm.” Minho pulled on a pair sweatpants of his own, Jisung noted how he chose to wear nothing underneath them. 

“How do you know I didn’t bring pajamas huh?” 

“Well you have slept here more times than I can count on my fingers and I have never seen you sleep with pajamas. Put on clothes or you’ll make me go crazy.”

The older eyed him up and down, studying the ways Jisung's body was formed, even though he knew every crevice like it was his own. Jisung was still only wearing a towel around his hips and only now realized Minho was fully dressed. He quickly slipped into the clothes, a warmth filling him and making the goosebumps on his arms fade away. They sat down in the living room and Minho brought leftover food from the kitchen for them to eat while watching TV. After a while Jisung made his way behind Minho's back and started carefully playing with his black and untouched hair. It was like silk. He clasped his hands around Minho's stomach and rested his head between his shoulder blades. Minho had this specific scent to him, whenever Jisung got close he could smell it. It was a soft and faint smell, yet it left a mark in his nostrils. It was like fresh apples and cotton, or how you would explain how newly washed clothes would smell. But he always smelled like this, like the scent was latched onto his skin. 

“Ah Jisungie, don’t you want that.” 

Minho was pointing towards the TV with big eyes, Jisung looked up from where he had been resting and watched the screen, they showed off a big chocolate dessert. 

“Now?”

“We could go to the convenience store later, we have one that’s open 24 hours.”

Jisung hummed into the skin on Minho's neck. Placing a kiss there. 

They both fell asleep for a while, Jisung still kept Minho close to his body. Something started ringing and it made both of them stir awake. With a raspy voice, Minho answered his phone. 

“Hello?” 

“Hey can I come by just for a second, I need to borrow your history book. I forgot mine at Felix’s and I’m passing your house in like 2 minutes.”

“What?” 

“Can I? Thanks.” 

He hung up before Minho had the chance to protest. 

“Changbin is coming.” 

There are a few things that can stir panic into the boys this quickly, just like when Minho's mom came home both were startled, not entirely sure what to do. Minho ran into his room to find his history book before Changbin would arrive and told Jisung to stay in his room. You never realize how short 2 minutes actually are until they are over and you can hear the front door opening. Minho was in the process of cleaning away their food from the living room when Changbin marched in. 

“I have the book here.” Minho waved with it from the kitchen when he saw Changbin getting closer to his room. 

“Thanks. I can come by with it tomorrow if you want.” 

“No it’s fine, I’ll take it on Monday.” silence “What were you doing at Felix anyways.” 

“Oh nothing really, studying. Doing stuff.” Changbin was mumbling and took the liberty to take the book from the counter where Minho put it down. “I’ll be heading out now, thanks again for the book.” 

“No problem.” The smile Minho wore was strained from panic and the feeling of still being half asleep.

Changbin left, and even if he did notice Jisung's jacket, his shoes, or backpack filled with stuff in the hallway he didn’t mention it. Minho didn’t even think of that and only saw the items himself when he went to lock the door. “Fuck”.

Jisung came out of Minho's room and walked up to him to put a hand on his shoulder. Ground him to earth. Minho was shaking slightly, almost like he was ready to cry but there were no tears coming. “_Minho. It’s fine, don’t worry. Please. Changbin would’ve said something if he had any suspicions. You know he can’t help pointing stuff out whenever he sees them. Hell I have barely known him for 2 months and I notice he does that. It’s okay.” _Minho turned around and took Jisung into his arms, he said nothing and he didn’t cry even though Jisung could feel that he wanted too, he could feel how Minho's heart beat against his own at a fast pace. 

“Can we go and buy brownies?” 

“Are you sure you want me to go with you?” Jisung was whispering. 

“Yeah.” 

They put on their jackets and Jisung pulled a black facemask from his pocket to hide his face. When they stepped outside they were hit with coldness, snow was falling from the sky in large snowflakes. It almost made Minho open his mouth and tilt his head back to catch them with his tongue, like he did as a child. When the two walked through an alleyway, with not a soul in sight Minho grabbed Jisung's hand. It was steady with no regret. And he held it tight until they turned on to a well-lit street where others could see them. The sign that hung above the convenience store had an orange hue radiating from it. The lamps above one of the letters wasn’t working and from outside it looked surprisingly bad considering the neighbourhood they were in. When they stepped inside a voice from the register immediately caught their attention. 

“Minho-ah! What are you doing here so late? Is your mom okay?” 

Minho bowed deep. “Soojin-ssi. I’m just here to buy some things, I didn’t realize it was so late. Mom is fine.” It was clear the two knew each other. Minho glanced at the clock behind her, 22:02 pm.

“Who is that behind you?” The woman behind the register was talking with determination in her voice, she didn’t ask the question to Jisung directly, but rather too Minho. 

“My name is Han Jisung ma’am. I’m a schoolmate of Minho-hyung” Jisung did as Minho and bowed to her. 

Minho smiled at the lady and then grabbed Jisung by the jacket to move along the aisles. He was throwing stuff into the basket, it reached from both milk and eggs to a handful of sausages, custard pies, and finally a small tray of brownies. Soojin reached over the counter to pinch at Minho's cheeks, cooing at him when they came to pay. “You need to eat more Minho-ah you are too skinny. You need to eat healthy, not this.” She waved at the food below them, which in the end was mostly sweets and snacks. “It is late, you two need to be careful outside now. Take care of Jisung-ah yeah?” 

They left the store and Jisung hid a big smile under the mask, when they were back in the dark alley Jisung pulled it down. “Minho-ah, you need to eat more. Take care of Jisung-ah!” he imitated and pinched Minho's already red cheeks, then right after he gave him a quick peck, fingers still pinching the skin. “Hey, I’m older than you.” He tried to slap Jisung's hand away but Jisung was already on his way running the way back, almost slipping on ice that was hiding under the thick snow. 

Towards the night's end, when they were full of sugar they laid down in Minho's bed. Minho had his arms wrapped around Jisung's waist and brushed circles over the bare skin. Nuzzling his nose into Jisung's hair from behind. The day hadn’t gone as either of them expected, neither had any desire to do anything besides just being with each other. Enjoying the presence of the other. Jisung could feel how Minho's breaths got slower and slower, and only when he was sure the other was asleep he allowed himself to fall into slumber too, thinking of the other. The boy with raven hair and big dark eyes, the boy with smooth skin, soft body but hungry hands. The boy Jisung could consider loving if he wasn’t so afraid of it. 

Just when Jisung was about to pass the threshold between awake and asleep Minho moved a bit behind him, repositioning himself so that Jisung could come closer, even though they were almost the same person by now. And into Jisung's ear, Minho whispered something so quiet Jisung almost thought he didn’t say it. 

_ “I know you are sleeping but you make the fire inside me turn into flowers Jisung, every time I see you something blooms inside me.” _

The sweet nonsense Jisung was so addicted to. 

He didn’t answer, because Minho thought he was asleep and Jisung wasn’t supposed to hear this, But he did. Now the boy on his mind wasn’t just a boy, an appearance. There was something else, flowers. Maybe Minho made something inside Jisung bloom too. Some would call it love. They called it nonsense. 

* * *

When Jisung woke up in the morning Minho was gone and the bed was cold. He took his phone from the bedside table and checked the time. 7:45 am. He sat up and tried to make sense of the world around him. The words Minho had whispered in his ear the night before started floating around his head. _ Something blooms inside me. _Jisung was startled completely awake when Minho entered the room though he attempted to do it quietly. 

“Did I wake you?” 

“No, but it was cold without you.” Jisung patted the spot next to him, it was between him and the wall; and how Minho managed to climb over Jisung without waking him up amazed him a bit. 

“You are quite sexy in the morning.” Minho wiggled his eyebrows and walked over to the bed. He sat down on top of Jisung with his legs on either side of his body. 

“What? This?” Jisung had no idea what he looked like, but he suspected his hair was tangled and his face puffy. It was probably far from sexy. 

“Mm yes. Like really sexy, like I want to sex you sexy.” 

“You are not allowed to sex me if you phrase it like that.” 

Nevertheless Jisung pulled Minho down into a kiss, both had that awful morning breath. But it was okay. A fire was growing inside Minho as their tongues danced with each other, as Minho kissed and lapped at the skin on Jisung's chest. As Jisung whined when Minho started playing with the waistband of his underwear. 

But it was okay, the fire that hurt him when he thought about what they were doing would disappear when they would stare into each other's eyes afterward, both tired and sweaty against each other. The flowers would fight the fire and the butterflies would fight the demons. 

In retrospect it was easy to see that you are stupid, really stupid. Minho observed the three clustered angry purple marks next to his adam's apple in his bathroom mirror. 

_ Jisung sucked at the skin on Minho's neck before stopping himself to go further. _

_ “It’s fine Jisung.” _

_ “The rule, we-” _

_ “Fuck the rules for a moment.” _

“Sorry” Jisung whispered sheepishly behind him. Hiding similar marks that spread across his collarbone and all the way up underneath his earlobe. His hair was on another level of messy now, sticking in all different directions. 

“I’m sorry too.” Minho turned around and grabbed Jisung's hand, exposing the marks on him too. It was barely noon and though both had been awake for hours they still wore what they had done during the night, hiding in Minho's room despite no one being home. 

“Maybe they will disappear until Monday?” Jisung's intention of saying it like a statement failed and it came out as an unsure question. 

Minho hummed and nodded at him, reassuring the other that it was okay. Minho was the one who told Jisung it was okay and he did the same when he got the chance. 

The day continued like the one before, they talked more and touched less. But not in a sad or depressing way, it was more affectionate. And like Minho thought the flowers bloomed like they never had before, he hoped he would be okay with it, he hoped he wouldn’t destroy the garden by himself. Because still, the demons inside him pointed out everything that was wrong in the way he was taught. 

_ “You need to marry a beautiful woman, we want grandchildren.” _Minho's parents used to joke. 

_ “Did you see that thing in the paper, the attack? The boys seemed to deserve it. What do they expect when they walk around holding hands. Kissing in public?” _His father grumbled through breakfast behind his newspapers. 

_ “Don’t look at them Minho!” _He loved his mother, dearly. But she was unaware of the damage she caused him when she directed him away from the two girs sharing an affectionate peck on the bus. 

“_Are you gay?” _The disgusted face of his middle school best friend when he wanted to hold hands. 

He ignored the thoughts when he was with Jisung, didn’t let them ruin their day. But then Saturday came around and Jisung had to go home before his mother would worry too much. He left early, before lunch. And every time Minho saw the mark on his neck the question came flashing in front of his eyes. 

_ Am I gay? _His own broken reflection stared back at him in the mirror. The bags under his eyes were prominent and the whites of his eyes were red from tears. The word came carrying gasoline, dumped it on the fire and the flames burned the walls of his heart and the insides of his lungs. Flowers turned crisp, black, covered in ash. And the flowers didn’t grow back when he saw Jisung on Monday. They had to pretend like they hadn’t seen each other for weeks. They had to pretend like Jisung's marks weren’t awfully noticeable, even though Jeongin made it his mission to point them out every 10 minutes. Minho hid his behind a thin turtleneck, it was the only one he owned and it was fighting to not slip down and reveal Minho's own love bites. 

Seungmin, who had become comfortable enough around Minho to lose all sort of respect for the elder wasn’t subtle when he pulled a bit at the collar and asked quietly “_Hey what’s that?” _ at the evident marks on his neck, they were suddenly visible to everyone who happened to catch them before Minho pulled it back up. “_It’s an allergic reaction, don’t worry about it.” _Though doubting the answer Seungmin let it be, still afraid of prying on the other, considering his previous rumors.

There were currently three people around the table that found Minho's behaviour either funny or interesting, Felix snapped his eyes open and eyed Jisung. Seungmin looked genuinely confused for a second after Minho's answer, and then a lightbulb above his head practically appeared before he bumped Felix's arm to confírm the thought. The rest of the table was oblivious of what happened, they hadn’t noticed the exchanged between Minho, Seungmin and Felix. Hyunjin locked his eyes with Minho and gave him that look. The “Hey we really need to talk because I know what you are up to.” look. 

_ Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. _

The two groups separated after lunch, the older had classes on one side of the school while the younger had on the other. Not only that but it was the one day when everyone's last class managed to be different because of elective classes. Minho was thankful for that, he couldn’t handle Hyunjin staring at him from behind anymore, waiting for the right moment to confront Minho. 

After school Minho made his best efforts to escape the building without anyone of his friends to catch him before. As he was walking down the stairs towards the back entrance he saw Hyunjin sharp in his steps following him a bit behind. 

Minho really didn’t need Hyunjin to confront him now, not like this. 

While he hoped Hyunjin wouldn’t do it, but he would prefer it over the person who stood in his way outside the school on the empty yard. 

“Step out of my way Joowon” 

“If you answer my question first. Did your boyfriend gíve you that?” He pointed promptly at the mark, who once again made an appearance on his neck.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” 

“What was his name? Ah! I remember him introducing himself as a certain Han Jisung, isn’t that right?” 

Minho's eyes went wide in shock. 

“How do I know that? Well, I was just picking up food at that store Soojin-ssi owns. Didn’t expect you two to be there so late. Especially didn't expect you both to kiss outside it after.” 

Minho started walking away, Joowon right behind him, stepping in front again. A crowd of students ready to leave formed behind them. “_Is Joowon and Minho fighting again?” _

  
“So is he? Your boyfriend?” 

“He is not, we are not-” 

“I can’t hear you, speak clearly. Are you trying to say Han Jisung didn’t leave that on you.” He shouted the name a bit louder, for the others to hear. 

“Leave his name out of your mouth.” Minho pushed the other with force, making him stumble backward. 

“Are you protecting your boyfriend or yourself?” 

“You are getting awfully brave Joowon, remember what happened last time. I think you are still missing a tooth.” 

“So much chit chat, of course I heard fags are like that. By the way Jisungie isn't gonna be happy to hear you are such a worthless boyfriend, couldn’t even defend him properly “_We aren’t gay.” _You sure he won’t be offended when I tell him you said that?” Joowon seemed happy with his input in the conversation and decided to wave his hand in front of Minho before walking away. 

“You won't be saying shit.” The fire, the fire of self-hatred projected its’ energy on something else now. Joowon. The fire of self-hatred and the flowers withering away with hate. For the first time not of himself, but being driven with hate for someone else. It wasn’t like last time, Joowon had done his fair share of talking and pushing buttons before he snapped. But this time he could feel his knuckles turning white as soon as Jisung's name was uttered. For the first time he wasn’t afraid that he was the one called gay, he was afraid for Jisung. Joowon was on his way away from Minho and the crowd, back facing them. 

Maybe he never learned to never face away from the predator. 

“Get the fuck back here.” Minho managed to let out before setting off after Joowon, pushing him harshly to the ground. Joowon’s face hit the snowcovered asphalt and small red spots were already staining it. Minho turned Joowon’s body so that he was lying on his back. 

“Say it again.” Joowon tried to shield his face with his arms when he saw Minho drawing back his fist. 

“Fag.” 

Rage does something to you, it’s like everything inside you will turn into energy; every single atom. The fire that was spreading like a wildfire inside him was flowing through the punches Minho threw at the other, someone was screaming his name behind him. Maybe it was Hyunjin, or Chan. Students were shrieking when they saw how Joowon’s face turned bloody and swollen. He didn’t have a chance against the other. It’s a funny thing, adrenaline. How it makes everything feel numb, how you can keep going despite seeing cracks form on your own knuckles and blood mixing, how the scene of someone losing breath and spitting blood doesn’t matter when you only see red, then you can't even see the blood. How you don’t feel anything when the one below you actually manage to fight back. How you don’t feel blood running down your own face or the strong taste of iron in your mouth. 

“_Someone stop him, he’s like, actually killing him.” _

_ “Do something!” _

Minho saw nothing but he felt hands gripping him by the arms, holding him back. He recognized the voices but couldn’t place their faces. “Minho stop!” It was Changbin, the boy who was much shorter was still stronger and pulled Minho away from Joowon. The adrenaline wore off. His hands were aching, face throbbing with pain and the fire was still burning. The flowers were dead. People watched him in horror, some holding their phones. Chan was on his knees by Joowon, presumably making sure Minho didn’t actually kill him. 

Tears were streaming down Minho's face, his clothes were wet from the snow, his hands were bloody and his heart was breaking. Joowon wasn’t discreet when he talked about Jisung, even if most would only brush it off as a stupid rumor others were clever and observant. They knew Jisung had the same purple bruises as Minho, they heard well enough when Joowon told Minho he had seen them together. They could never be sure, but that wouldn’t stop them from assuming it. And Joowon actually spoke nothing but the truth, almost at least. Jisung wasn’t Minho's boyfriend, right now Minho wasn’t sure Jisung would ever want to see him again.

In the crowd of people, one face stood out. The one person Minho didn’t want there. Jisung. Most students stepped back when Minho and Joowon were escorted into the school by teachers, Jisung stood by his place next to the entrance and didn’t leave Minho's eyes with his own. He wasn’t angry. It was sadness, worry. Eyebrows furrowed together and mouth formed into a deep frown. Eyes glassy. Minho tried to say something to Jisung without actually having to talk, but it got lost in the chaos. 

_ “Please Minho, answer me.” _

_ “I want to see you.” _

_ “We need to talk.” _

They were among what felt like thousands of messages Jisung sent to Minho. Minho didn’t show up to school the day after the fight. Jisung honestly didn’t know what to expect. Tuesday passed, and then Wednesday. On Thursday Joowon appeared by his locker in the morning. He was bruised, nose obviously was broken. He wore clothes covering his body, hiding the bruises everyone knew he had. It reminded Jisung of himself, except the bruises Minho gave him were out of lust, and the ones on Joowon was caused by anger. When Jisung passed him he threw disgusted glances his way, like Jisung was the one who did that. In a matter of seconds, Jisung was popular, not in the good way perhaps. People talked about him behind his back. Wondered if it was true. Gossiped in all the ways possible. Though, like silent signs of support some people smiled at him in the hallways, nodded at him in solitude. "_You can get through this." _They said without talking. 

_ “Is it Minho-hyung Jisung? The guy?” _

Jisung didn’t answer but Felix understood, the secret was out. Felix was the only one who had any idea it had been going on for a while. They never talked about it. The group kept on eating lunch together, with a spot opposite Jisung left open every day. It was like they pretended Minho had never been there but still waiting for him to show up. The air was tense, tiptoeing around everything as soon as Jisung came close to them. They knew. Everyone knew. 

“_Minho please see me, the apple after school?” _

_ “Ok.” _

The day couldn’t go slower. Jisung didn’t actually know what he was supposed to say to Minho, he just wanted to see him. 

“Minho?” Jisung almost screamed when he saw someone standing by the snow-covered table by the apple. The person was wearing a long padded jacket and covered his face with the hood of the jacket. The grey sweatpants that peeked out from underneath the jacket was stained wet by the snow. The boy turned towards Jisung when he heard the name being shouted. It was technically Minho, but it didn’t feel like him. His cheekbone was bruised, his eyes were empty and dark. Jisung walked up to him and wrapped his arms around the other, who didn’t move but rather tensing up at the action. 

“What do you want Jisung?” It was cold, the way he spoke.

“Wha-? I wanted to know if you were okay.” 

“Obviously I am.” Absolutely no emotions. 

“Are you mad at me?” 

“I’m mad I had to go here for nothing. You could have asked over the phone.” 

“I’m nothing?” 

“That’s not what I meant, you know that.”

Jisung walked closer.

“I really don’t know.”

Minho tried to back away but the table stopped him. 

“Please.” Jisung's placed his hands on Minho's cheeks, they were cold. 

The butterflies had tried so hard to win over the demons, they had no strength left. The demons won this time. 

“Don’t touch me Jisung.” He grabbed Jisung's wrist and yanked it away from him. 

All that strength disappeared when Minho's parents came to school and they had to listen to every single thing that had happened, word for word what Joowon had said, details about what Minho did. And on the way home they said nothing, did nothing. Empty of words. And Minho wished they screamed at him, or cried, that they would punish him. But they did nothing, they just told him he wasn’t allowed to go back to school for a week, this was his last warning. Then Minho's mom escaped to his aunt and his father took the first chance to leave for work. The family of Lee's forte was never feelings. They left Minho alone to burn in silence. Leaving Minho to rip every single flower out of him and set them on fire. 

It was hard to place what Jisung felt, confusion maybe. But Minho was emotionless, monotone, empty. 

“Hyung.” Jisung sighed. “I care about you okay? Please don’t push me away, you don’t have to go through it alone, people talk about me too. You should hear the way everything goes silent when they see me. I’m on your side and I just need you to know you are not alone.” 

Emotions were never Minho's forte, neither how to place what he felt or how to control them properly. Maybe that’s why Minho lashed out in fights, why he loved with passion, and why he hurt in silence.

“You are the fucking reason I’m going through this. I’m not fucking gay, everything we did was a mistake. It was just sex Jisung, nothing else. You’re not on my side, I’m not like you.” He wasn’t angry though he growled the words through gritted teeth. It wasn’t what he wanted to say, but it was what came out of his mouth. 

“You don’t mean that.” 

“Yes. I. Do.” 

Jisung grabbed Minho's hand and kept it there even though the elder tried to pry it away. 

“We never had anything Jisung, if I could I would go back in time and beat you up for throwing that fucking snowball in my face so I never had to meet you at that stupid party I would, but I can’t. You are nothing but something I regret.” 

With that Minho started walking away, beads of tears rolled down his face when he turned it away from Jisung. Still he felt emotionless, or so overwhelmed nothing made sense anymore. 

Minho wasn’t far away from Jisung, but he heard what Jisung cried after him. Not caring who heard or saw them anymore. 

_ “I heard you that night Minho-hyung. What you whispered. That I made something inside you bloom, I thought there were flowers inside me too. You made me happy in a way no one could make me. You are alone now, remember that. You fucking blew it, you threw my flowers on the ground when I offered them to you.” _

Maybe there was something growing inside him after all. A vine lined with thorns wrapping itself around his heart, thriving alongside the fire. 

* * *

Jisung marched home crying, hulking. He told his parents every single thing, everything about Minho and everything that had happened. They said nothing but their actions were loud, they hugged him. Kept him close. They let him hurt in peace, but showed they were there. There was no point for them to stop him from being sad, maybe it was just time to be sad. Let everything out. 

Minho marched home crying, but there was no one there. He was alone, so he called the one person except for Jisung who had tried to talk to him for so long. Hyujin. And Minho explained what happened, what he and Jisung had, what he felt and who he was. For the first time out loud Minho said those three terrifying words. “I am gay”. That hurt more than all the punches to his face, hurt more than people judging him at school and it hurt more than his parent's disappointment. And Hyunjin did his best at shushing and comforting Minho, because if there was someone who would get an A in feelings 101, it would be Hyunjin. The only one of Minho's friends who managed to break through all those layers of self-hatred and secrets no one else could. “I know Minho. It’s okay.” 

_ It’s okay. _

_ It’s okay. _

It wasn’t. Minho said things his heart didn’t mean, things that made his throat close and head hurt. And he thought about what Jisung said to him and how right he was. How Minho had said those things and how he ruined it. Jisung was there for him, in the same seat. And when Jisung wanted to hold his hand to keep him grounded Minho slapped it away and suffered the consequences. 

_ “If I could I would go back in time and beat you up for throwing that fucking snowball in my face so I never had to meet you at that stupid party I would, but I can’t. You are nothing but something regret.” _

“Minho, you are so fucking stupid. I love you, even if you are gay and even if you are stupid. But you realize you need to talk to him right?” 

“He’ll never take me back. He hates me.”

“He doesn’t, he likes you a lot.” 

“Maybe he did like me, now he hates me.” 

Hyunjin sighed deep and rubbed his face with his hand. 

“Listen, I know your suspension ends next week. Is it on Tuesday it ends? Yeah, so I’ll ask Jisung to meet me after school and you can meet him instead and apologize. A good fucking apology.”

“Ask him to meet you by the apple.” 

He looked over at Minho with a questioning face but decided against bothering to ask about it. Hyunjin hated the apple, for him; that’s where people went to sell drugs and do drugs.

“Hyunjin. I don’t know how to apologize. I never do it.”

And Hyunjin actually laughed, though Minho was visibly troubled and serious. The chuckle was light, and even though it really wasn’t the moment it lightened the mood. 

“Seungmin said Jisung had the biggest ego out of us but he clearly doesn’t know you. You just need to fucking apologize Minho.” 

“I’m serious.”

“Me too, I’ll stand by your side and I’ll comfort you. But this is your mess. You need to pick up the pieces.” 

Hyunjin stayed the night, he held Minho's hand from the mattress on the floor that he slept on, he left early for school and left Minho sleeping in, his face was still swollen with tears and his eyebrows were furrowed together in a concerned grimace even though he was sleeping. 

In school the remaining group of seven acted like nothing was wrong, the space was still there leaving a shadow of one more. Jisung hated it, Chan, Hyunjin, and Changbin had become their friends. And as far as Jisung knew Felix was the only one who actually knew what was happening. It wasn’t like they could stop hanging out, and most likely Minho would fill the space in just a few days and Jisung would have to pretend that Minho didn’t hate him and Minho would have to pretend he didn’t crush the other's heart. 

And like that Minho was back. People stared at him like he had horns and a tail in the cafeteria, and they waited for him and Jisung to interact like a mob. Minho felt like they were surrounding him with pitchforks and fire. 

Jeongin tried his best to make the mood brighter as they could feel the tension between Minho and Jisung. Jeongin’s smile reached even higher on his face than usual, revealing the braces underneath. You really couldn’t reason with that, it made Minho happy and Jisung forget about his worries for a second. Felix asked when they were leaving the dining hall if Minho wanted to join him and Hyunjin after school for dance practice. “I need to talk with the principal again, you know.” Hyunjin sent him a knowing glance from next to Felix. 

“Oh yeah of course. Just call us if you need help going over the choreography.” 

Minho was happy they didn’t make a big deal, but he also hated how he could see them holding back everything. He knew they wanted to know, and eventually he would tell them; open his heart up a bit for them, now just wasn’t the time. If the right time ever came of course. Minho and Hyunjin shared a wordless conversation before Minho scurried away before everyone else. Just as the students cleared the hallways before classes started Hyunjin grabbed Jisung gently by the arm, pulling him back as the others blended in with the crowd and disappeared in the mass following Minho's lead. 

“Hey Ji, could you go to the apple after school? You know that place behind school?”

“Yeah I know, why?”

“It’s nothing serious, just do it and then we can walk home together?” 

The younger hesitated at the other's words, something didn’t sit right.  
  


“Sure. I’ll be there a 10 minutes after last class.” 

Hyunjin thanked him and then ran away to his class, Jisung himself hurrying before his teacher would scold him for coming late. 

Jisung would actually be sick. He had been waiting by the rotten table for a few minutes for Hyunjin, who appeared to be late. There were no clouds to be seen on the sky which made the air dryer and harsher against the exposed skin on Jisung's face, he almost winced as a gust of wind passed him. The whole day his stomach had been twisting and flipping in discomfort, every time he saw Minho he wanted to succumb, vanish from the face of the earth. It had dawned on him that he confessed to feeling something more than friendship, or skinship for the other. And the words Minho had barked at him echoed in his head so loud Jisung could barely hear anything when he was in the presence of the other. _ “Everything we did was a mistake. I’m not like you. You are nothing but something I regret.” _And despite this, Jisung told Minho he liked him, in his own way. Minho crushed him. 

He knew Minho didn’t mean it, deep down. It was a stressful situation of course. But it didn’t hurt less, it still stung when he heard Minho's honey voice at school. Knowing what the same voice had said to him the week before, and what nonsense it had been whispering ever so often in his ear. Jisung wasn’t angry or furious, it just hurt. 

The snow crunching underneath shoes not made for winter startled Jisung, it had been so quiet the slightest noise was deafening. Jisung turned around and expected to meet Hyunjin’s face, the one with a big smile and plump lips. The face with crescent eyes with the mole underneath one of them, the hair flawlessly resting on his head like he didn’t even try. He expected to meet with the warm body of Hyunjin’s overwhelming comforting presence. He wished it was Hyunjin. Instead he met with the person who made his heart skip a beat and his jaw clench. The one he was afraid would break his heart again. While something inside him tried it’s best to make him walk away and protect himself there was something else fighting to stay, almost cheerful for what was happening. Maybe it was a butterfly. 

“Minho-hyung.” 

His face lit up in a sorrowful grin, something inside the raven boy tried to fight for happiness too. Jisung could see that. 

“Jisung.” 

Minho was still walking up to meet Jisung, the youngers feet were glued to the ground. Unable to even balance himself. He had to put a hand on the cold table to support himself from falling to his knees. His fingertips burned from the ice-cold snow. 

“I’m sorry Hyunjin tricked you here, I just wanted to speak to you.” 

“Do it then, I’m standing right here.” Confidence and arrogance was the only thing Jisung could pretend he had right now. Masking the fact that he was close to tears even though he could feel his eyes getting glassy and his nose sting. Minho opened and reopened his mouth several times, and each time he did it Jisung grew impatient. His heart was beating so fast it physically hurt. 

“I said speak.”

“I wanted to apologize Jisung, for what I said.”

“What? I can’t recall what you said, was it that I was a mistake, a regret or-”

“Jisungie you have to know I didn’t mean it.”

Suddenly the glue disappeared and Jisung could move again. The tears started rolling down his cheeks but he didn’t cry. It was just tears. He pushed Minho backward, it was careful. A statement. 

“You can’t call me that after what you said. Do you remember when you actually called me Jisungie huh? Why? You called me that when you kissed me, when you touched me. You can’t call me that because you regret that, it’s not yours to use anymore.” 

And tears were streaming, the streaks started freezing in the cold and his eyes hurt. The sentence ended in a weak cry. Jisung's fingernails pushed into his palms and the skin was close to breaking. 

Jisung had never any particular emotions on Minho's face, it always switched between irritation and happiness. It was a familiar emotion to Jisung but it was strange seeing it on Minho's face. Sadness. It was just there for a second until Minho resorted to the one emotion he knew. 

“I was afraid okay? Joowon almost outed both of us at school. No he did out us! What did you want me to do? I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said.” 

“What you said to me was days after, it wasn’t said in the heat of the moment.” 

Something will explode. 

Tears.

“I was so alone Jisung, my parents left me home. I couldn’t stand seeing Chan or any of the others on my phone texting me. But when I saw your texts it felt like I wasn’t alone.” Minho scoffed. “And still I fucked up so bad. I was afraid, of myself, of my feelings. I was afraid for you. You don’t know what people have said about me, I don’t want that for you. And still. Still you held my hand and told me I wasn’t alone, and fuck. I never learned how to deal with emotions. And I fucked up? If I could I would turn back time I would and never say such things about you.”

This time Minho was the one who grabbed Jisung's shaking hands. 

“And I would say what my heart intended to say, I would say it to your face. Jisung I would tell you how you make me love myself and hate myself and how you make flowers grow and fires die. I would tell you, I would tell you that I like you even if it scares me. You make it okay.” 

Minho exploded. This time it wasn’t with anger or fury, the way he used to explode. It was an explosion of flowers, growing from the ashes like a phoenix. 

Jisung never thought you could be good or bad at hugging, it’s just a hug. A simple gesture of affection. And if he could rank the best huggers his mom, Felix, and maybe Jeongin if he was in the right mood would be in the top 3. Minho was alright honestly, it was always warm and comfortable hugging him, but in the end they would end up uncomfortable one way or another. Whether it was an arm poking the others rib, or the heat suffocating them. 

This time it was soft, Minho held a hand on Jisung's neck, keeping him closer. He rested his forehead in the crook of Jisung's neck even though Minho was the taller one. He let the tears stain the fabric of Jisung's cold jacket. Sobs shook his whole body, making his chest move up and down at a fast pace. He mumbled short “sorry’s” whenever his voice allowed him to do it. The latter was always weaker than the former. 

And Jisung knew that this was sincere, just as Minho's whisper that night. The only difference was that Minho admit it to his face this time. Minho had tried to pick up the pieces of Jisung's heart and give them back to him, slightly dented but still with love. And Jisung hated how he loved it, how fucking amazing it felt hugging Minho. “It's okay Minho-hyung. It’s okay. You make it okay.” 

Both had bloodshot eyes, Minho looked broken. They shared a kiss. In public. It was salty from tears and bittersweet from the mixture of feelings. It wasn’t hot or needy, it was an act of love though both still were afraid of confessing it out loud. But they knew and it was okay, they made it okay. 

Clouds had formed above them, small snowflakes fell on their heads and melted against them. They stood there sharing the small body heat their breaths let out and hands emitted. It could’ve been seconds or hours. The apple trees were dark, branches covered in thin layers of snow. The bark of the trees had carvings of confession and hearts surrounding students. The table was close to collapsing and had burn marks from cigarettes and secrets not ready to be told out loud.

Some students called the apple. 

Hyunjin called it a junkie hangout. 

Jisung and Minho called it theirs. 


	2. Epilouge

//

Warm weather melted the snow away in seconds, bad memories of the winter washing away along with it. Spring was the season of love, the season of blooming and new life.

The air was warmer and humid, Jisung could bring out the thinner jackets but still wear the thick sweaters he liked. Shoes finally fitting the weather. Chan and Hyunjin had helped the group with bringing a fresh picnic table to the center of the apple after Minho noticed it had collapsed under the snow. A new table which didn’t creak if you put to much weight on it or sagged when you sat on it. One free from sins and secrets. 

They had to inaugurate it some way, so like a pair of middle schoolers Minho and Jisung used a knife to carve their initials next to each other, only separated by a crooked heart. 

_ LM _

_ <3 _

_ HJ _

The trees were covered in flowers, those small pink and white flowers. The leaves grew and got that lovely soft green color. The careful rays of sun fought their way through the trees that mere months ago were bald and depressing to look at but now bloomed gracefully. Textbook romantic. 

Jisung sat by the table and flipped through his notebook, reviewing notes. A loud gasping sound was heard in the distance and he saw Minho hurrying through the green area with a bag strapped to his shoulders. His now, blonde hair, stuck to his forehead drenched in a layer of sweat. The white t-shirt he wore under his jacket was slightly see-through along the middle of his chest. A bit disgusting maybe. 

“Practise went alright?” 

Minho stole a kiss from the younger. 

“Yeah, you are coming to the performance on Saturday right? My parents will be there.”

“Of course, are we going to yours now?”

“Mm yeah, my mom and dad are with my aunt this week.”

Kisses flew between the two, one kiss answered with another from the other. Small pecks placed on each other's skin. Minho tasted salty from sweat but Jisung liked it. Minho sat down next to Jisung by the table for a while. Pulling at the fabric of Jisung’s shirt, nuzzling his nose against the other's skin. Helping him with his schoolwork. Jisung loved sitting here once the weather allowed him to. Feel the crisp air in his lungs and quiet surroundings. 

The wind picked up and blew a few petals over the papers, Minho picked one up and stared at it for a while, a delicate white petal speckled with pink freckles. He breathed the air around him, but the only thing that filled his lungs was the strong smell of Jisung’s vanilla perfume and flowers. But not the flowers around him that was coming back to life after a cold winter, it was the flowers inside him that grew another flowerbud every time he saw Jisung. He couldn’t breathe because he was so happy, if that was the simple way of putting his emotions into one word. Happy. In love. Happy in love. 

“Jisungie.” The voice tickled against Jisung’s skin. 

“Yes?” 

“I need to tell you something.” The words carried weight on them, heavy like stone. 

“Do tell.”

“I think I love you.” Each word left Minho’s body with a new breath, not like stone. Light like petals in the wind. 

The sweet nonsense that made Jisung’s legs buckle and arms heavy. The nonsense that came along with the boy with a honey voice, dark eyes, and soft hands. The nonsense that carried itself through the air and latched on to Jisung’s heart. Causing goosebumps to spread on his arms and up his spine. They used to call it nonsense at least, now it was love. 

“And I think I love you too.” 

Another first for them, their first time saying “I love you”. Maybe they had known it for a long time, but now it was real and out in the open. 

The apple was a forgotten place, hidden by big trees which during spring and summer carried themselves with green leaves and pink flowers. 

Some students called it the apple. 

Hyunjin called it a junkie hangout. 

Minho and Jisung called it theirs. 

Because in the center of the apple, spring made flowers on the ground and on the trees bloom. But Jisung made flowers grow inside of Minho and Minho made them grow inside Jisung. In the center of the apple some students carved their secrets onto the trees, but the two boys whispered their secrets to each other, because it was only for the other. 

They whispered that sweet sweet nonsense both were so addicted to. 

_ Fin _

_ // _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's my first time writing a fic, a very strange concept to me, but it was a fun thing so I might do some more. I only planned it to be 3k or something but I got carried away oops.  
All feedback, kudos and comments appreciated.
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/hopeonmydick)


End file.
